Lies People Will Tell You About Their Babies

I’ve come to the conclusion that people just flat out lie when it comes to their babies. I really think that they just make shit up as they go along, or worse they plan it out before they lie about it. Some of these moms just tell you stories that more elaborate and fake than The Twilight Series. In the beginning I would question their lies, but now I’ve learned to just go along with it. I think we all know their lies are total bull shit but it helps them sleep better thinking someone believes them. And who knows, maybe they're just practicing their fiction story-telling skills.

“Labor wasn’t that bad! Really!” Yes, it was. You’re either in denial, lying, or had better drugs than I did. No matter how you look at it, it SUCKED.

“My life really hasn’t changed that much. I was so surprised.” Bull shit. Tell me that your life hasn’t changed but yet I notice that you haven’t brushed your teeth or hair yet today and it’s 6 pm…so either, this is normal behavior (in which case, carry on your stank self) or you’re lying.

“She slept through the night at 3 weeks old!” I don’t know who you think you’re selling that horse shit to, but I ain’t buying it today!

“He’s never spit up on me. He just doesn’t do that very often.” Uh-huh. Sure. So that smell I’m smelling…is that the new “Baby Puke” perfume that Dior just put out?

“He takes three naps a day! In his crib! Without crying! Ever!” This one goes right up there with sleeping 12 hours. I think you are either lying, or you just put your kid in the crib, close the door and walk away and refuse to acknowledge their cries.

“I shower every single day!” Then why do you smell like me?

“His poop doesn’t really smell!” Okay, some babies have smellier poop than others, but really, it all smells. And no, it does not smell like freshly baked cinnamon buns.

“We’ve had a strict schedule since day one.” No, you haven’t. You’d like think you did, but in all reality, you’re just like the rest of sad slobs running around like a dip shit trying to prevent the house from burning down while you’re cooking dinner AND changing diapers.

At first these things used to make me feel bad when I would hear them. I felt like I wasn’t up to snuff with other moms because everything they were telling me was the exact opposite of what I was going through. Then, ever so slowly, I started picking up on holes in their stories, or I would hear contradicting tales from other family members. That’s when I figured it out…they’re all lying. So in turn, I’ve started lying to them about my kid too. “Yep! He sleep 10 hours a night, only eats three times a day, his poop smells like raspberry soufflé and I still have time to scrap book for 2 hours a day!” Sure. Okay.