I get asked some questions on a regular basis from some fairly stupid people in my life. I find myself answering with polite and respectful answers. In reality, I’d love to just answer with two simple words: Hell no!
Your dog is getting old, are going to get another one soon?
Hell no!
Just what I need, another fucking dog right now. Great, so I can potty train my new dog and baby at the same time. That sounds like fun, not. I'd rather not have to guess which one of them peed on the floor when I step in it.
Did you buy your son the new super expensive loud and fancy toy that every baby has to have in order to survive?
Hell no!
Uhm, we’re cheap. I’ll wait until one of his cousins outgrows it and then I’ll get the hand-me-down. Until then, you'll just have to report us to CPS because we're not taking out a home equity loan for a new toy our son might or might not like.
Have you guys thought about taking a family vacation?
Hell no!
I can’t decide which sounds like more fun: a baby on a plane or a baby in a hotel. Neither. Oh, and he's crawling now...so, a MOBILE baby on a plane; that just sounds like the best time ever. I'm sure there wouldn't be multiple people wishing death upon us.
What about taking a family road trip?
Hell no!
My son is 9 months old. A road trip with him would be like being stuck in a moving vehicle with a rabid raccoon for hours. No thanks!
Have you read (insert new mass hysteria novel here)?
Hell no!
I have no time to read. If I do get time to myself, I’m writing this blog. This blog does not require to remember plot lines, characters and other things needed for reading a book.
Do you think you’ll go back to school?
Hell no!
I have a bachelor’s degree and multiple associate’s degrees. I would love to get a master’s degree but really, by the time I’ll get to use it I’ll be closing in on 60. I can think about 40 other things I'd rather waste our money on...
Maybe you’ll go back to work later this year?
Hell no!
Unless my son somehow miraculously sleeps through the night soon, there’s no way I can handle working full time again. I would love to work the night shift but my husband can’t mentally handle getting up with the baby even once a night. I can only imagine the great things that my going back to work would do for our marriage. But hey, at least I'd have money for a good divorce attorney!
Thankfully, I'm pretty good with my poker face these days. I don't let on at all that I think these people are bat shit crazy for thinking some of these things. We'll see how long my poker face holds up...
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