My First Mother's Day

For awhile now I've been trying to write a post about the loss of my mom and how it's impacted me as a mother. I just can't seem to get myself together enough to write it out. I've tried and tried but every time I start getting a decent post going, I end up in tears and have to stop. This one will probably be a little bitter sweet for me as well because it was my first Mother's Day as a mom and my first Mother's Day without my mom.

I so badly wanted my first Mother's Day to be a special day. I wanted to have pictures of my son with my mom and grandmother. I wanted to have special cards from my son and husband that I would keep in a box forever and look back on with fond memories. Instead, I just wanted the day to be over the worst way. 

Mother's Day is one of those holidays that I seldom ever think about, except for the week and a half before when I'm scrambling around to get all the ladies in my life a gift and a card before the big day hits. This year, I thought about it all month long. I was dreading it.

I did things quite different this year. I refused to put myself in any situation that was going to make this day harder for me than it already was. This is how things went down this year versus last year...

Cards
Last year - I spent hours picking out cards, trying to find the perfect one for each woman in my life, as well as the multiple women in my husband's life.
This year -  Attempted picking out cards, but started bawling after reading two cards because I miss my mom so much. I'm sure I looked like a basket case standing in the card aisle at Target crying hysterically.

Flowers
Last year - I was busy planting flowers and hunting down flowers for various ladies. I was cleaning top soil and flower petals out of my car for weeks afterwards.
This year - I received a bouquet of flowers from my husband, and that was it.

Gifts
Last year - I scrambled around ordering things online to make sure they got to my mom and grandma in time. I spent hours shopping for husband's family and trying to find the most economical way to provide a pointless gift for the 47 women in his life.
This year - I didn't buy a damn thing. That was all on my husband.

The Day Of
Last year - Multiple phone calls to my mom, grandma. Then I spent the rest of the day hunting down my husband and making him call all of his family as well.
This year - I tried my best to just make sure it was like any other day. I called my grandmother, sure, but overall I just wanted to pretend it was a normal Sunday.

The stress of prepping for Mother's Day with gifts and what not was a lot easier this year because I just simply refused. I couldn't mentally handle buying gifts for someone else's mother while my own had just died. I'm just so glad that day is over. Hopefully next year won't be nearly as bitter for me and I'll actually be able to look back on the day and smile, not want to cry.