"Funny" Crap I've Heard About Babies

I've spent some time with some pretty clueless folks. Most of these lovely statements came from those who don't have children.

"He's almost 6 months old...he'll be talking soon. The crying phase is almost over, right?"
Not quite...the crying phase can last well into the teenage years from what I've seen so far.

"When we have a baby, it's never going to sleep anywhere but the crib."
Excuse me, while I die of laughter. I promise, I won't remind you of this statement when you're tip toeing around your living room because your baby (finally!) fell asleep in the bouncer after 3 hours of crying in the crib.

"I'm going to make sure my baby never has any unhealthy foods."
Then you have to be sure to never, ever leave the baby alone with a grandparent. I've learned that one the hard way.

"Your baby eats solids now, you don't need to breastfeed anymore, right?"
Uhm, no. Shockingly enough, the six pieces of banana he managed to get into mouth (and/or nose) during lunch does not replace the nutritional value of breast milk.

"Can't you just go out while the baby is sleeping? He can sleep in his car seat while you're out."
This only works for a few months. Then you just end up with an overly tired and pissed off baby screaming in their car seat at whatever store you just HAD to go to during nap time.

"I think I'll just sleep while my baby sleeps during the day to catch up on sleep."
HA! That's one of the oldest lies in the book. If you do that you'll never have clean clothes, dishes or food to eat. Occasionally you can get away with that but don't expect that on a daily basis if you'd like your home to remain habitable.

"I'm going to have a natural birth.That's what our bodies were meant for, how bad could it be?"
I did a natural labor...and natural pushing. I'm pretty sure I have all the right female parts, but somehow he was born via c-section. I hate to burst your little fantasy but not all births can go as planned....and it really IS that bad.

That's just a few little gems I've heard in the past few months. I keep hearing these hilarious tidbits from people who just simply don't get it. For now, I bite my tongue and nod.

The Tactics Your Infant Will Use To Evade Sleep

I've learned that my child is smarter than I give him credit for. He's learned how to not go to sleep some nights. These are a few of the tricks he has up his sleeve. I'm sure other moms can relate to these.

1. Scream. Endlessly.
 I’m not talking about a little fussing to get your attention, I’m talking about the kind of screaming that results in you not being able to function. The kind of screaming that if it continues for a long time, you’ll be concerned that your neighbors might call Child Protective Services on you.

2. Smile. Coo. Laugh.
Anything to keep your love and attention focused on him. You’ll find that he’ll do some of the cutest, cutest things when he’s trying to avoid sleeping. The only problem is that nothing is really cute at 3 in the morning.

3. Hurt himself.
I’m guessing my child isn’t the only one who will do this. He’ll literally start hurling his whole body at the sides of the crib. It sounds painful and I’m guessing by the screams that it’s not enjoyable for him.

4. Refuse the pacifier.
 My son is great at this. As soon as you put it in his mouth he’ll yank it out and start staring at it. Fine, so I’ll put him down in the crib. About 30-60 seconds later he’ll throw it somewhere and then be pissed because he can’t find it. Thanks buddy, I love hunting down a 3 inch piece of plastic in a dark room at three in the morning. It's like a scavenger hunt you never signed up for.

5. Have a fake fever.
My guy will get himself so overly worked up sometimes that I can’t tell if he has a fever or if he’s just angry from crying. So I’ll drag him downstairs and stick a thermometer in his butt to check it out. It’s never been a true fever, but I would feel like the worst mom ever if I just ignored it and it turned out to be a fever. Thanks, mommy guilt!

Can I get a, "Hell no!"?

I get asked some questions on a regular basis from some fairly stupid people in my life. I find myself answering with polite and respectful answers. In reality, I’d love to just answer with two simple words: Hell no!

Your dog is getting old, are going to get another one soon?
Hell no!
Just what I need, another fucking dog right now. Great, so I can potty train my new dog and baby at the same time. That sounds like fun, not. I'd rather not have to guess which one of them peed on the floor when I step in it.

Did you buy your son the new super expensive loud and fancy toy that every baby has to have in order to survive?
Hell no!
Uhm, we’re cheap. I’ll wait until one of his cousins outgrows it and then I’ll get the hand-me-down. Until then, you'll just have to report us to CPS because we're not taking out a home equity loan for a new toy our son might or might not like.

Have you guys thought about taking a family vacation?
Hell no!
I can’t decide which sounds like more fun: a baby on a plane or a baby in a hotel. Neither. Oh, and he's crawling now...so, a MOBILE baby on a plane; that just sounds like the best time ever. I'm sure there wouldn't be multiple people wishing death upon us.

What about taking a family road trip?
Hell no!
My son is 9 months old. A road trip with him would be like being stuck in a moving vehicle with a rabid raccoon for hours. No thanks!

Have you read (insert new mass hysteria novel here)?
Hell no!
I have no time to read. If I do get time to myself, I’m writing this blog. This blog does not require to remember plot lines, characters and other things needed for reading a book.

Do you think you’ll go back to school?
Hell no!
I have a bachelor’s degree and multiple associate’s degrees. I would love to get a master’s degree but really, by the time I’ll get to use it I’ll be closing in on 60. I can think about 40 other things I'd rather waste our money on...

Maybe you’ll go back to work later this year?
Hell no!
Unless my son somehow miraculously sleeps through the night soon, there’s no way I can handle working full time again. I would love to work the night shift but my husband can’t mentally handle getting up with the baby even once a night. I can only imagine the great things that my going back to work would do for our marriage. But hey, at least I'd have money for a good divorce attorney!



Thankfully, I'm pretty good with my poker face these days. I don't let on at all that I think these people are bat shit crazy for thinking some of these things. We'll see how long my poker face holds up...

To The Mommy Snobs

Dear Snobby Mommys,

You know who you are. You’re the ones that have 6 children, all in perfect health condition, never a case of head lice, never a cold or even an allergy amongst them. Your children all have perfect manners. You’ve never ran from Target with your child throwing a hissy fit. You’ve never had to leave a restaurant because your baby is having an epic meltdown because you won’t let him play with a steak knife. Your children have slept through the night since 4 weeks old. You work a full time job, bake cookies on the weekends, your house is spotless, you have sex 6.4 times a week and you’ve never once raised your voice to your child.

To all of you: Please, stop rolling your eyes at me and other less than perfect stay at home moms. Stop making us feel like crap every time you remind us that you have a REAL job. Please, don’t point out to us that we’re home all day with our children and how nice that must be for us. As much we all love our children, I think it’s safe to say that there are days that we would LOVE to have a scheduled lunch break or an adult to talk to from time to time.

Don’t act like we’re trying to offend you by breastfeeding. I realize that breastfeeding is harder when you’re working full time, but don’t act like we’re committing an offensive act towards you by exclusively breastfeeding our children. It can be done when you’re working as well. That was your choice, stop making us feel like we did something wrong by choosing boob over bottle. I am in no way better than you, stop trying to act like I think I am. I completely respect your decision to bottle feed, so don't roll your eyes at me when I say my child is exclusively breast fed. I wouldn't dream of rolling my eyes at you when you whip out the formula, so please, return the favor.

Please don’t tell us how you taught your child to do something and then get pissy when your husband reminds you that no, actually you didn’t teach him that…it was the daycare teacher. Next time just tell us the truth so we can avoid this awkward moment when your husband corrects you and makes you look bad.

Please stop asking when I’m going back to work full time. You know the answer. We’ve been through this. Stop asking us this just to throw it in our faces that you work full time and mommy full time as well. We admire your dedication and need for work, don’t make us feel like we’ve failed all women by staying home.

Can we all just keep in mind that motherhood is not meant to a competition? There’s no right or wrong way to do anything. There’s benefits to staying home with your children and there are benefits to daycare. There are great things about breastfeeding, but there are some awesome things about bottle feeding as well. A good mom isn’t measured by how many cookies you bake for the school bake sale or how many hours your baby sleeps at night. All that matters is that you love your kids no matter what and do your damn best to make sure they know it.

Signed,
A Much Less Than Perfect Stay At Home Mom

My First Mother's Day

For awhile now I've been trying to write a post about the loss of my mom and how it's impacted me as a mother. I just can't seem to get myself together enough to write it out. I've tried and tried but every time I start getting a decent post going, I end up in tears and have to stop. This one will probably be a little bitter sweet for me as well because it was my first Mother's Day as a mom and my first Mother's Day without my mom.

I so badly wanted my first Mother's Day to be a special day. I wanted to have pictures of my son with my mom and grandmother. I wanted to have special cards from my son and husband that I would keep in a box forever and look back on with fond memories. Instead, I just wanted the day to be over the worst way. 

Mother's Day is one of those holidays that I seldom ever think about, except for the week and a half before when I'm scrambling around to get all the ladies in my life a gift and a card before the big day hits. This year, I thought about it all month long. I was dreading it.

I did things quite different this year. I refused to put myself in any situation that was going to make this day harder for me than it already was. This is how things went down this year versus last year...

Cards
Last year - I spent hours picking out cards, trying to find the perfect one for each woman in my life, as well as the multiple women in my husband's life.
This year -  Attempted picking out cards, but started bawling after reading two cards because I miss my mom so much. I'm sure I looked like a basket case standing in the card aisle at Target crying hysterically.

Flowers
Last year - I was busy planting flowers and hunting down flowers for various ladies. I was cleaning top soil and flower petals out of my car for weeks afterwards.
This year - I received a bouquet of flowers from my husband, and that was it.

Gifts
Last year - I scrambled around ordering things online to make sure they got to my mom and grandma in time. I spent hours shopping for husband's family and trying to find the most economical way to provide a pointless gift for the 47 women in his life.
This year - I didn't buy a damn thing. That was all on my husband.

The Day Of
Last year - Multiple phone calls to my mom, grandma. Then I spent the rest of the day hunting down my husband and making him call all of his family as well.
This year - I tried my best to just make sure it was like any other day. I called my grandmother, sure, but overall I just wanted to pretend it was a normal Sunday.

The stress of prepping for Mother's Day with gifts and what not was a lot easier this year because I just simply refused. I couldn't mentally handle buying gifts for someone else's mother while my own had just died. I'm just so glad that day is over. Hopefully next year won't be nearly as bitter for me and I'll actually be able to look back on the day and smile, not want to cry.

What a Difference 10 Miles Makes...

We didn't live in a 'bad' part of town before, it just wasn't the most desirable area to live. Things were a little trashy, people were a little sketchy, but overall it was okay. I wouldn't go walking around alone at night, but I wasn't (usually) afraid to go out and get the newspaper.

We've now moved into a nice little suburb. It's like living on a different planet. Some of the differences just amuse, some of them leave me wondering; why didn't we move sooner?

The Children
Old Neighborhood: Various kids from numerous families, running around unsupervised all hours of the day and night. I'm all for kids playing outside, but your kids either need to be supervised or tethered in the yard because I've seen them all almost get run over at least twice by an unsuspecting motorist.
New Neighborhood: A few kids out after dinner during the week. The creepy thing is that their parents are outside too. This is a foreign concept to me: parents...outside...watching their kids?

Language
Old Neighborhood: Not going to say the language was anything other than English, for those who thought I was going there...no, just a lot of cursing, fighting, talking about things that shouldn't be spoken about outside of the house. I don't need to know that your crack pipe isn't working, maybe you should be a little quieter on the phone or find a more private place to discuss these issues.
New Neighborhood: People talk about the weather, trees, shrubs. I've yet to hear an "f" bomb drop from any of my neighbors, which is good since most of them are over 50; which also might be why they don't talk about their drug habits either.

Pets
Old Neighborhood: Running around, no leash, no tags, no one seemed to care if they got ran over, taken to the pound or killed another dog. Oddly enough, I do think some of the pets were better supervised than the children.
New Neighborhood: Leashed, cared for...and no sign of rabies amongst any of them. What a difference that makes when I'm walking to the  mailbox.

Yards
Old Neighborhood: I could tell you what brand of liquor most of my old neighbors drank...how? Because there would typically be at least 5-10 various alcohol containers strewn about the yard. Maybe it was just "progressive" yard art and I'm failing to see the artistic side of things.
New Neighborhood: There's actual yard art. People cut their grass on a weekly basis. No alcohol containers that I've seen yet.

Trash Day
Old Neighborhood: Typically my neighbors would take their trash out once a month. Which meant the other 3 weeks out of the month trash was just piled up on the side of the garage. Very classy, not to mention smelly. A 3 week old pile of diapers outside in August smells exactly what you would think it smells like.
New Neighborhood: People's garbage is neat and organized, placed in an orderly fashion on the curb 12 hours before pick up. If there's an overflow issue, the extra bag is nicely placed alongside the trash bin.

Cars
Old Neighborhood: You know that sound when you're not sure if it's gun fire or a car back firing? You know the sound of an angry bumble bee that's actually just some kid's muffler on his car? Those were typical noises when a car when coming the down the road.
New Neighborhood: I've yet to hear a single angry bumble bee muffler and no gunshots or back firing noises either. On the other side of things, I think we might be one of 10 families in the neighborhood not driving a foreign luxury car. So I guess we're the trashy ones now.

Come to think of it...maybe our old neighborhood was pretty damn crappy. I think we moved into suburbia right at the right time. Our son will most likely not be learning curse words from the neighbors or finding empty liquor bottles in our yard. Sure, he won't be as "cultured" but that's fine in my book.

Every Baby is Different

“Every baby is just different,” I feel like I find myself saying that to people a lot since I’ve had our son. Everyone and their brother (literally) wants to tell me about what their child did and when they did it. It’s like I need to start whipping out a yardstick to compare our kids all the time. It gets a little frustrating.

My son slept through the night at six weeks, you should really get your son checked out!
First off, I don’t believe you at all. Second, there’s nothing wrong with my child, he’s just hungry AND stubborn.

My son start walking at 6 months old…your boy isn’t even crawling yet?
Nope, and I’m quite pleased with that. If he’s fourteen years old and still rolling around on the floor to get to things, I’ll let you know and get your doctor’s name then.

We started our boy on finger foods at 6 months…your boy is still eating purees?
Yes, and he hasn’t choked on purees yet. I don’t feel he’s ready for finger foods yet and I’ll be damned if I’m going to let my kid choke on a green bean because someone tried making me feel like a bad mother for not giving him finger foods.

Our kids never slept in our rooms…and you let him sleep in your bed? (Horrified face).
Yes, he sleeps in our room. And yes, on occasion, he sleeps in our bed. I don’t feel like this requires a visit from Child Protective Services, so please, let’s not make a big deal out of this.

He’s not babbling yet? Our kids were always babbling by 6 months old.
Nope, he has his occasional “ba ba ba” but it’s not a regular thing. Part of me feels like I should be worried but the other part of me says that all kids are different, I don’t need to worry.

Sometimes I think it's funny when people try to play this "my kid is better than yours" game. Most of the time I just find it ridiculously annoying. Babies are babies. There's not a whole lot that you can do to really force them into doing things they're not ready for. Unfortunately their logic and reasoning skills aren't that well developed...well maybe your kids' reasoning skills are well developed; my boy just isn't there yet.