When Was...

I find myself asking myself questions that start with this phrase a lot:
"When was the last time....?"

…I showered?
Most likely sometime this week. I can usually gauge this based on how grimy my hair is, lovely.

…I ate?
This goes two ways. Some days I’m constantly hungry and munching throughout the whole day so I’ll ask myself this when I’m super hungry…again. Then there are the days I’m so busy that I don’t realize I forgot to eat. The two even out pretty good.

…I fed the dog?
This almost always works in her favor because if I can’t remember if I fed or not that day, she’ll get fed again. I think she averages about 5 extra meals a week thanks to my mushy brain.

…I vacuumed?
No idea. My husband is awesome and he will usually do this if he finds the floor to be too “crunchy” for his liking.

…We left the house as a family?
This one is tricky. It’s typically about once a week but sometimes my husband lucks out and avoids this one if his mom is willing to take the baby for a few hours.

…We watched our favorite TV show that’s currently in season?
We tend to just forget when it’s on and then end up watching them all 6 months after they’ve aired.

…Took out the garbage?
I tend to just smash it down a lot these days out of sheer laziness. Then there will be an odd odor coming from the kitchen…that’s typically when I have to take it out. Then I’ll swear to remember what day I took it out so I can remember to take it out in a few days again…yeah, right.

Uterus vs. My Brain

I never really believed in that whole biological clock thing until recently. I always thought it was a bull shit excuse women used to have more babies. Now I get it. It’s never been a secret to anyone that knows me; I want lots of kids. I would love to have like 12 kids, but  reasonably I’m okay with three. Now we come to the issue of when do we have these extra children?

In the past month or so my uterus has decided that NOW is the time. My uterus/biological clock are working against every fiber of common sense in my brain trying to convince me that now is a good time for another baby. Here’s a little sneak peek at the crap that goes on between my head, the logical one, and my uterus.

My head: I want to wait a few years for another baby.
My uterus: But then your eggs might be dried out or no good, NOW! Have a baby now!

My head: I just want to enjoy my one little boy right now.
My uterus: If you had two babies you could enjoy them both at the same time!

My head: I want to sleep at least 4 hours straight before getting pregnant again.
My uterus: Bull shit! You’ll get it all over with at once, in a few years you’ll never have to worry about that again because your kids will be older.

My head: We just can’t afford it right now.
My uterus: And you were so prepared for the last one?! Yeah right, you’ll never be able to afford them, just do it now!

My head: I’m too exhausted to be pregnant right now.
My uterus: You think you’ll be any less tired when your son is 2 and running around like a crack head for 20 hours a day?

My head: There’s just too many things going on right now to make that kind of decision.
My uterus: There’s always going to be something going on! Who cares?

My head: I don’t know if I can handle two kids in diapers at the same time.
My uterus: It will be more depressing to get one out of diapers and then have to go back to diapers again and start over.

My head: It would be nice to not be pregnant or breastfeeding for a little while. I could have my body back for once!
My uterus: Selfish! You have your whole life to ruin your body, you only have a few years to make babies.

My head: I love my little guy so much, I want more babies.
My uterus: Damn straight! Let’s get this party rolling!

Eventually my uterus will win this battle, I’m just not sure when. I’m hoping that it’s when my husband and I are both ready for another baby. I want there be excitement around this next baby, not fear and worry. Thankfully I have a husband who is very, very good about birth control and will hopefully prevent any slip ups, just in case my uterus takes over my head one day.

Reasons For Calling His Doctor

As a first time mom I've made quite a few phone calls to our pediatrician. Thankfully their nursing staff is wonderful and extremely helpful. They've helped me out with some pretty ridiculous phone calls and never once laughed at me. I recently had to call again and was having some flashbacks to previous calls.

He's crying too much.
Yeah, in the first few weeks I called them more than once about this. I didn't know if something was wrong with him. I was convinced that he had some sort of issue, why else would he be crying this much?

He's pooping too much...or not enough.
At first, I was very concerned about my son's pooping habits. If he pooped twice in one day and then not at all the next I was on the phone immediately. Google was not my friend with this issue either. At one point I was pretty sure he had a blockage because he hadn't pooped for two days.

He's not sleeping.
I'm shocked that they didn't laugh at me for this one. But yes, I seriously did call them when he wasn't sleeping enough.

He's sleeping too much.
Yes, even this worried me in the beginning. So, what did I do? Called the doctor's office!

His eye looks funny.
Again, Google was not my friend here. His eye was slightly crusty one morning early on. I was pretty convinced he either had pink eye or he was going blind. When I told the nurse my concern she simply told me to just wipe his eye and see how it was in a few days.

He ate some of his diaper rash cream.
I was horrified the first time he reached around to his butt and then put his hand in his mouth. I probably should have called poison control, not the doctor's office, but by that time I already had his doctor on speed dial.

He hit his head on the crib.
Every head bump, every knock on the arm, I was so worried. I wanted to make sure he wasn't going to have a concussion. So, I called...every. single. time. 

He has a rash.
Most people would put some cream on it and see how it looked in a few days. Not this mama, I was calling the doctor as soon as there was a red bump on his skin. Needless to say, I heard the words, "Just put some (insert random cream name here) on it and call us in a few days," more than a few times.

What I'm getting at here is that in the beginning everything was a huge deal. I was so unsure of myself and my parenting skills. Not that I feel like super mom now but I definitely feel more sure of myself. It's so hard when they first come home and you have no idea what's normal and what's cause for concern. My best advice is always call when you're unsure. I'd rather have made 100 pointless phone calls than not made one that really needed a doctor's attention and had something happen to him.

"Funny" Crap I've Heard About Babies

I've spent some time with some pretty clueless folks. Most of these lovely statements came from those who don't have children.

"He's almost 6 months old...he'll be talking soon. The crying phase is almost over, right?"
Not quite...the crying phase can last well into the teenage years from what I've seen so far.

"When we have a baby, it's never going to sleep anywhere but the crib."
Excuse me, while I die of laughter. I promise, I won't remind you of this statement when you're tip toeing around your living room because your baby (finally!) fell asleep in the bouncer after 3 hours of crying in the crib.

"I'm going to make sure my baby never has any unhealthy foods."
Then you have to be sure to never, ever leave the baby alone with a grandparent. I've learned that one the hard way.

"Your baby eats solids now, you don't need to breastfeed anymore, right?"
Uhm, no. Shockingly enough, the six pieces of banana he managed to get into mouth (and/or nose) during lunch does not replace the nutritional value of breast milk.

"Can't you just go out while the baby is sleeping? He can sleep in his car seat while you're out."
This only works for a few months. Then you just end up with an overly tired and pissed off baby screaming in their car seat at whatever store you just HAD to go to during nap time.

"I think I'll just sleep while my baby sleeps during the day to catch up on sleep."
HA! That's one of the oldest lies in the book. If you do that you'll never have clean clothes, dishes or food to eat. Occasionally you can get away with that but don't expect that on a daily basis if you'd like your home to remain habitable.

"I'm going to have a natural birth.That's what our bodies were meant for, how bad could it be?"
I did a natural labor...and natural pushing. I'm pretty sure I have all the right female parts, but somehow he was born via c-section. I hate to burst your little fantasy but not all births can go as planned....and it really IS that bad.

That's just a few little gems I've heard in the past few months. I keep hearing these hilarious tidbits from people who just simply don't get it. For now, I bite my tongue and nod.

The Tactics Your Infant Will Use To Evade Sleep

I've learned that my child is smarter than I give him credit for. He's learned how to not go to sleep some nights. These are a few of the tricks he has up his sleeve. I'm sure other moms can relate to these.

1. Scream. Endlessly.
 I’m not talking about a little fussing to get your attention, I’m talking about the kind of screaming that results in you not being able to function. The kind of screaming that if it continues for a long time, you’ll be concerned that your neighbors might call Child Protective Services on you.

2. Smile. Coo. Laugh.
Anything to keep your love and attention focused on him. You’ll find that he’ll do some of the cutest, cutest things when he’s trying to avoid sleeping. The only problem is that nothing is really cute at 3 in the morning.

3. Hurt himself.
I’m guessing my child isn’t the only one who will do this. He’ll literally start hurling his whole body at the sides of the crib. It sounds painful and I’m guessing by the screams that it’s not enjoyable for him.

4. Refuse the pacifier.
 My son is great at this. As soon as you put it in his mouth he’ll yank it out and start staring at it. Fine, so I’ll put him down in the crib. About 30-60 seconds later he’ll throw it somewhere and then be pissed because he can’t find it. Thanks buddy, I love hunting down a 3 inch piece of plastic in a dark room at three in the morning. It's like a scavenger hunt you never signed up for.

5. Have a fake fever.
My guy will get himself so overly worked up sometimes that I can’t tell if he has a fever or if he’s just angry from crying. So I’ll drag him downstairs and stick a thermometer in his butt to check it out. It’s never been a true fever, but I would feel like the worst mom ever if I just ignored it and it turned out to be a fever. Thanks, mommy guilt!

Can I get a, "Hell no!"?

I get asked some questions on a regular basis from some fairly stupid people in my life. I find myself answering with polite and respectful answers. In reality, I’d love to just answer with two simple words: Hell no!

Your dog is getting old, are going to get another one soon?
Hell no!
Just what I need, another fucking dog right now. Great, so I can potty train my new dog and baby at the same time. That sounds like fun, not. I'd rather not have to guess which one of them peed on the floor when I step in it.

Did you buy your son the new super expensive loud and fancy toy that every baby has to have in order to survive?
Hell no!
Uhm, we’re cheap. I’ll wait until one of his cousins outgrows it and then I’ll get the hand-me-down. Until then, you'll just have to report us to CPS because we're not taking out a home equity loan for a new toy our son might or might not like.

Have you guys thought about taking a family vacation?
Hell no!
I can’t decide which sounds like more fun: a baby on a plane or a baby in a hotel. Neither. Oh, and he's crawling now...so, a MOBILE baby on a plane; that just sounds like the best time ever. I'm sure there wouldn't be multiple people wishing death upon us.

What about taking a family road trip?
Hell no!
My son is 9 months old. A road trip with him would be like being stuck in a moving vehicle with a rabid raccoon for hours. No thanks!

Have you read (insert new mass hysteria novel here)?
Hell no!
I have no time to read. If I do get time to myself, I’m writing this blog. This blog does not require to remember plot lines, characters and other things needed for reading a book.

Do you think you’ll go back to school?
Hell no!
I have a bachelor’s degree and multiple associate’s degrees. I would love to get a master’s degree but really, by the time I’ll get to use it I’ll be closing in on 60. I can think about 40 other things I'd rather waste our money on...

Maybe you’ll go back to work later this year?
Hell no!
Unless my son somehow miraculously sleeps through the night soon, there’s no way I can handle working full time again. I would love to work the night shift but my husband can’t mentally handle getting up with the baby even once a night. I can only imagine the great things that my going back to work would do for our marriage. But hey, at least I'd have money for a good divorce attorney!



Thankfully, I'm pretty good with my poker face these days. I don't let on at all that I think these people are bat shit crazy for thinking some of these things. We'll see how long my poker face holds up...

To The Mommy Snobs

Dear Snobby Mommys,

You know who you are. You’re the ones that have 6 children, all in perfect health condition, never a case of head lice, never a cold or even an allergy amongst them. Your children all have perfect manners. You’ve never ran from Target with your child throwing a hissy fit. You’ve never had to leave a restaurant because your baby is having an epic meltdown because you won’t let him play with a steak knife. Your children have slept through the night since 4 weeks old. You work a full time job, bake cookies on the weekends, your house is spotless, you have sex 6.4 times a week and you’ve never once raised your voice to your child.

To all of you: Please, stop rolling your eyes at me and other less than perfect stay at home moms. Stop making us feel like crap every time you remind us that you have a REAL job. Please, don’t point out to us that we’re home all day with our children and how nice that must be for us. As much we all love our children, I think it’s safe to say that there are days that we would LOVE to have a scheduled lunch break or an adult to talk to from time to time.

Don’t act like we’re trying to offend you by breastfeeding. I realize that breastfeeding is harder when you’re working full time, but don’t act like we’re committing an offensive act towards you by exclusively breastfeeding our children. It can be done when you’re working as well. That was your choice, stop making us feel like we did something wrong by choosing boob over bottle. I am in no way better than you, stop trying to act like I think I am. I completely respect your decision to bottle feed, so don't roll your eyes at me when I say my child is exclusively breast fed. I wouldn't dream of rolling my eyes at you when you whip out the formula, so please, return the favor.

Please don’t tell us how you taught your child to do something and then get pissy when your husband reminds you that no, actually you didn’t teach him that…it was the daycare teacher. Next time just tell us the truth so we can avoid this awkward moment when your husband corrects you and makes you look bad.

Please stop asking when I’m going back to work full time. You know the answer. We’ve been through this. Stop asking us this just to throw it in our faces that you work full time and mommy full time as well. We admire your dedication and need for work, don’t make us feel like we’ve failed all women by staying home.

Can we all just keep in mind that motherhood is not meant to a competition? There’s no right or wrong way to do anything. There’s benefits to staying home with your children and there are benefits to daycare. There are great things about breastfeeding, but there are some awesome things about bottle feeding as well. A good mom isn’t measured by how many cookies you bake for the school bake sale or how many hours your baby sleeps at night. All that matters is that you love your kids no matter what and do your damn best to make sure they know it.

Signed,
A Much Less Than Perfect Stay At Home Mom

My First Mother's Day

For awhile now I've been trying to write a post about the loss of my mom and how it's impacted me as a mother. I just can't seem to get myself together enough to write it out. I've tried and tried but every time I start getting a decent post going, I end up in tears and have to stop. This one will probably be a little bitter sweet for me as well because it was my first Mother's Day as a mom and my first Mother's Day without my mom.

I so badly wanted my first Mother's Day to be a special day. I wanted to have pictures of my son with my mom and grandmother. I wanted to have special cards from my son and husband that I would keep in a box forever and look back on with fond memories. Instead, I just wanted the day to be over the worst way. 

Mother's Day is one of those holidays that I seldom ever think about, except for the week and a half before when I'm scrambling around to get all the ladies in my life a gift and a card before the big day hits. This year, I thought about it all month long. I was dreading it.

I did things quite different this year. I refused to put myself in any situation that was going to make this day harder for me than it already was. This is how things went down this year versus last year...

Cards
Last year - I spent hours picking out cards, trying to find the perfect one for each woman in my life, as well as the multiple women in my husband's life.
This year -  Attempted picking out cards, but started bawling after reading two cards because I miss my mom so much. I'm sure I looked like a basket case standing in the card aisle at Target crying hysterically.

Flowers
Last year - I was busy planting flowers and hunting down flowers for various ladies. I was cleaning top soil and flower petals out of my car for weeks afterwards.
This year - I received a bouquet of flowers from my husband, and that was it.

Gifts
Last year - I scrambled around ordering things online to make sure they got to my mom and grandma in time. I spent hours shopping for husband's family and trying to find the most economical way to provide a pointless gift for the 47 women in his life.
This year - I didn't buy a damn thing. That was all on my husband.

The Day Of
Last year - Multiple phone calls to my mom, grandma. Then I spent the rest of the day hunting down my husband and making him call all of his family as well.
This year - I tried my best to just make sure it was like any other day. I called my grandmother, sure, but overall I just wanted to pretend it was a normal Sunday.

The stress of prepping for Mother's Day with gifts and what not was a lot easier this year because I just simply refused. I couldn't mentally handle buying gifts for someone else's mother while my own had just died. I'm just so glad that day is over. Hopefully next year won't be nearly as bitter for me and I'll actually be able to look back on the day and smile, not want to cry.

What a Difference 10 Miles Makes...

We didn't live in a 'bad' part of town before, it just wasn't the most desirable area to live. Things were a little trashy, people were a little sketchy, but overall it was okay. I wouldn't go walking around alone at night, but I wasn't (usually) afraid to go out and get the newspaper.

We've now moved into a nice little suburb. It's like living on a different planet. Some of the differences just amuse, some of them leave me wondering; why didn't we move sooner?

The Children
Old Neighborhood: Various kids from numerous families, running around unsupervised all hours of the day and night. I'm all for kids playing outside, but your kids either need to be supervised or tethered in the yard because I've seen them all almost get run over at least twice by an unsuspecting motorist.
New Neighborhood: A few kids out after dinner during the week. The creepy thing is that their parents are outside too. This is a foreign concept to me: parents...outside...watching their kids?

Language
Old Neighborhood: Not going to say the language was anything other than English, for those who thought I was going there...no, just a lot of cursing, fighting, talking about things that shouldn't be spoken about outside of the house. I don't need to know that your crack pipe isn't working, maybe you should be a little quieter on the phone or find a more private place to discuss these issues.
New Neighborhood: People talk about the weather, trees, shrubs. I've yet to hear an "f" bomb drop from any of my neighbors, which is good since most of them are over 50; which also might be why they don't talk about their drug habits either.

Pets
Old Neighborhood: Running around, no leash, no tags, no one seemed to care if they got ran over, taken to the pound or killed another dog. Oddly enough, I do think some of the pets were better supervised than the children.
New Neighborhood: Leashed, cared for...and no sign of rabies amongst any of them. What a difference that makes when I'm walking to the  mailbox.

Yards
Old Neighborhood: I could tell you what brand of liquor most of my old neighbors drank...how? Because there would typically be at least 5-10 various alcohol containers strewn about the yard. Maybe it was just "progressive" yard art and I'm failing to see the artistic side of things.
New Neighborhood: There's actual yard art. People cut their grass on a weekly basis. No alcohol containers that I've seen yet.

Trash Day
Old Neighborhood: Typically my neighbors would take their trash out once a month. Which meant the other 3 weeks out of the month trash was just piled up on the side of the garage. Very classy, not to mention smelly. A 3 week old pile of diapers outside in August smells exactly what you would think it smells like.
New Neighborhood: People's garbage is neat and organized, placed in an orderly fashion on the curb 12 hours before pick up. If there's an overflow issue, the extra bag is nicely placed alongside the trash bin.

Cars
Old Neighborhood: You know that sound when you're not sure if it's gun fire or a car back firing? You know the sound of an angry bumble bee that's actually just some kid's muffler on his car? Those were typical noises when a car when coming the down the road.
New Neighborhood: I've yet to hear a single angry bumble bee muffler and no gunshots or back firing noises either. On the other side of things, I think we might be one of 10 families in the neighborhood not driving a foreign luxury car. So I guess we're the trashy ones now.

Come to think of it...maybe our old neighborhood was pretty damn crappy. I think we moved into suburbia right at the right time. Our son will most likely not be learning curse words from the neighbors or finding empty liquor bottles in our yard. Sure, he won't be as "cultured" but that's fine in my book.

Every Baby is Different

“Every baby is just different,” I feel like I find myself saying that to people a lot since I’ve had our son. Everyone and their brother (literally) wants to tell me about what their child did and when they did it. It’s like I need to start whipping out a yardstick to compare our kids all the time. It gets a little frustrating.

My son slept through the night at six weeks, you should really get your son checked out!
First off, I don’t believe you at all. Second, there’s nothing wrong with my child, he’s just hungry AND stubborn.

My son start walking at 6 months old…your boy isn’t even crawling yet?
Nope, and I’m quite pleased with that. If he’s fourteen years old and still rolling around on the floor to get to things, I’ll let you know and get your doctor’s name then.

We started our boy on finger foods at 6 months…your boy is still eating purees?
Yes, and he hasn’t choked on purees yet. I don’t feel he’s ready for finger foods yet and I’ll be damned if I’m going to let my kid choke on a green bean because someone tried making me feel like a bad mother for not giving him finger foods.

Our kids never slept in our rooms…and you let him sleep in your bed? (Horrified face).
Yes, he sleeps in our room. And yes, on occasion, he sleeps in our bed. I don’t feel like this requires a visit from Child Protective Services, so please, let’s not make a big deal out of this.

He’s not babbling yet? Our kids were always babbling by 6 months old.
Nope, he has his occasional “ba ba ba” but it’s not a regular thing. Part of me feels like I should be worried but the other part of me says that all kids are different, I don’t need to worry.

Sometimes I think it's funny when people try to play this "my kid is better than yours" game. Most of the time I just find it ridiculously annoying. Babies are babies. There's not a whole lot that you can do to really force them into doing things they're not ready for. Unfortunately their logic and reasoning skills aren't that well developed...well maybe your kids' reasoning skills are well developed; my boy just isn't there yet.

Things We Lost In The Move

We finally did it! We are officially homeowners and living in our new home. We handed the keys over for our rental to the landlord earlier this week and we're just living the "white bread" lifestyle as my husband calls it.

In the midst of moving we lost some things that I wish we hadn't. I know they're SOMEWHERE in the new house, but where exactly is just beyond me. Some of them are a bit ridiculous, some of them would just be REALLY, really nice to find sooner rather than later, like yesterday would have been nice.

My Underwear - Yep, I can't find them. I have about five pairs that I can currently locate, including the one on my ass as I type this. Unfortunately I'm stubborn and cheap, so I refuse to go buy more because I KNOW they're somewhere in the house. On the plus side of this, I've just been forced into doing laundry on a more regular basis.

My Socks - Again, I know they're here. In the meantime I've just been wearing my husband's socks. Even when I do find mine, I still plan on wearing his because I've come to find that manly socks are just a lot more spacey and comfy for my feet. He doesn't know this and would probably object, but what doesn't know what hurt him.

Diapers - Somewhere in this house there are at least two boxes of unopened, unused diapers. I would LOVE to know where they ended up. For obvious reasons, I had to go out and buy another box. Now I'm sitting here biting my nails and hoping that we can find them before my son outgrows them and needs the next size up. If all else fails, I hope I can at least find them before baby number two is wearing that size.

Dog Treats - This has worked out to her benefit. My dog usually gets a treat after going outside and going potty. Since we can't find her treats and I refuse to buy more since we have a ton of them, I've been improvising. She's been getting random things like: carrots, cereal, cereal puffs from the baby, apple chunks, pretty much whatever is on hand at the moment. I think she'll be sad when we actually do find her treats.

Utensils - Thankfully we've found these since we moved in. It was pretty pathetic for a few days. At one point my husband wanted cereal, I was able to offer him a ladle or a plastic fork...he was none to pleased with those options.

Husband's Dress Shoes - He had taken a few days off of work anyways, so it wasn't a huge deal. Part of me would have loved to see him all dressed up with his hair done, a button down shirt, pressed pants, shiny belt...and a pair of sneakers. Maybe one day I'll hide his nice shoes just so I can see that visual.

Adult Soaps and Shampoos - For whatever reason, mine and my husband's soap and shampoos were misplaced when we first moved in, but our son's bath time supplies were easily found. So, I'm not ashamed to say that for a few showers we both used some baby bath soap and shampoo for ourselves. I honestly didn't mind smelling like a baby's butt for a few days there.

In addition to the things we can't find I've found a ton of crap that I didn't even know we had. That will make for whole other post though. Seriously, who knew how much crap you could hide in attic storage? I found out...I've been sorting through the "treasures" bit by bit each day and I keep asking myself, "Why do we have this? Why did this survive long enough to move with us?"

But, anyways, we've made it through the move. Hopefully all of our lost items will surface soon.

(Selfish) Reaons to Love Your New Mom Status

Being a new mom is hard. Let’s just put that out there. There’s nothing easy or pretty about it. It’s a huge life change that no one could ever have prepared you for. There’s so many changes going on and you are dead tired. However, looking back at those first few months, I can honestly say that there were some great built in excuses that came with having a new baby.

1. You’re tired, so you can’t go out. You know that annoying friend/relative that ALWAYS wants to go out somewhere? Now you have a great excuse: Baby didn’t sleep, I’m exhausted, maybe next week.

2. Babies have weak immune systems…and hasn’t your little one been a little “feverish” lately? Better not have any company over, you wouldn’t want to expose him to something and make things worse.

3. At a family function with people you hate? Someone wants to corner you and talk your ear off for two hours about the ramifications of global warming on the goats in Africa? Shucks! Can’t right now, baby needs to be changed/fed/put to sleep.

4. Next time your baby is crying at the grocery store and you only have three things in your cart and all the lanes are full of people checking out, just go stand really close next to someone. Let the baby cry for a moment or two. I’ve found that this gets me to the front of the line pretty quickly.

5. If your baby is being an ass all day long, you get out of cleaning and cooking. Simply call your husband while baby is having a meltdown. If he’s smart he’ll figure out that this is the clue for him to go pick up dinner.

6. When you’re tired, exhausted, cranky and just “done,” your baby will do something new and funny. Not to be mushy, but those are the moments that make it all worth it. He’s been screaming all day and then suddenly you see him roll over for the first time, all that frustration goes out the window as your heart just melts over this new milestone.

I love being a mom. There hasn’t been anything yet to make me feel differently. If it was up to me, we’d have twelve kids already because I feel like this is what I was meant to do. That being said, there are still days that I go without showering or lunch. It’s all part of the mom job.

Moving

As I’ve mentioned before, moving is awful as it is, throw an infant into the mix and things get even more complicated. Here’s just a quick list of a few ways my son has decided to do to make things more interesting for us during our moving process.

- Teething. This makes him crabby, but thankfully there’s actually teeth showing through so I know I’m not lying this time.

- Crawling attempts. He gets up, he rocks back and forth and then face plants into the ground. Thus, we end up with a super pissy baby because he a.) can’t crawl and b.) quite possibly injured himself.

- Changing his food habits. This may be related to the teeth. Before he was eating either solids or breastmilk every 2-3 hours. Now we’ve decided that he wants to eat every hour to two hours.

- Pooping more. That says it all. Thanks buddy!

- Changing nap habits. Before he would only sleep in his crib. Now the crib is a 50/50 shot. Always making mommy guess! That’s my boy!

- Loving the loudest and most obnoxious toys. Before he wasn’t too interested in the Busy Ball Popper. Now it’s the best, best thing in the world. For those of you that have not experienced this toy; it’s LOUD. And it has NO volume control. Thanks Fisher Price!

I’m sure more changes are in the future. These are just a few things that have been keeping me on my toes lately.

New Friends of a New Mom

I have a ton of great people in my life. I have my amazing husband, who has the patience of a saint. I have my grandmother, who even though she’s thousands of miles away, can always manage to say the right thing when I need it. I have my wonderful mother in law, who is always there for our little family. I have a wonderful aunt-in-law that offers me a great help and used baby things. I have a sister-in-law that is nothing but thrilled to send me her used baby items that are in great shape. I can’t say thank you enough to these people who have had such a huge impact on my mine and my son’s life.

This post is not about them. This post is about the people that are anything but helpful. The ones who think they’re helping but instead they’re just causing more and more stress that I don’t want or need. These are some of the people you’ll meet as a new mom. You might have known these people all along, but you’ll see them in a different light as they now fit into one or all of these categories.

The Empty Offer-er: These people are the ones who offer to help you out when you need it and then are nowhere to be found when you actually need them. I’ve had a lot of those since my son was born. If you don’t want to help, don’t even offer. I don’t see what anyone gains from making these offers and then when we take you up on it you’re too busy or it’s just too hard for you to do.

The Snobby Mom: These are the moms that will forever be looking down their nose at you. No matter how proud you are of something you’ve done, they will either one up you or tell you why what you did was stupid and pointless. Please pull the stick from your ass before we talk next time, thanks.

The Inexperienced Helper: These are the ones that have never watched a baby for more than 2 hours but are somehow self proclaimed experts. They will be over the top with offering you advice and helpful suggestions. Little do they know that baby sitting a baby and actually raising one are two very different things.

The Competitor: These are the ones that will forever be trying to make you look bad by doing something even better than you did. They’re often grouped in with the snobby moms. Nothing you do will ever been as good what they did. Their kids are perfect, you couldn’t possibly relate to them.

The Show Off: They will make everything look so fucking easy that it hurts your heart. They make it sound like motherhood is just a walk in the park on a spring day. They act like they’ve never spent a night up with a screaming baby or cleaned puke out of their bras. Don’t let them fool you, they’ll break one day.

The Bitch: The title says it all. Some people just become bitches to you when you have a baby.

The Over-Gifter: This person will buy you and your kid all sorts of crap you don't need, but they see as vital. They won't buy you just one pair of snow boots (in August) for your child, they'll get you three pairs in case one gets dirty.

My best advice is just to simply weed out the people you don't need. I've had a hard time lately because my actual family has become so small. Then I stop and look around at the people that I do have and realize that quality is more important than quantity. Thankfully these people listed above are ones that I mainly only have to see for holidays or birthdays. Let's keep it that way.

Helpful Friends At The Grocery Store

Every time I take my son to the grocery store I expect random people to come up to me and give me helpful and unwanted advice. This only seems to happen when I’m alone with him. Very rarely does anyone approach me and my husband when we’re together with the baby. So part of me feels like my husband must think I’m making this shit up because he’s never gotten the joy of random advice from a stranger.

As if I don’t have enough reasons to hate going to the grocery store, these random women who want to “help” just make it that much less enjoyable.

These are a few of the lovely tidbits I’ve gotten from random middle aged women in the past few months:

*He’s too old for that pacifier.
    And you look a little too old to be wearing Victoria’s Secret “Pink” pants, but no one has pointed that to you obviously. Leave my 7-month-old and his pacifier alone.

*He’s too big for that car seat!
    Actually, he’s not. He’s not even 25 pounds, and our car seat has a 30-pound limit. As much as I appreciate the concern, I don’t get where people think it’s okay to tell me that shit. Do you really think I don't know the limits of his car seat??

*You really should have a hat on that baby.
    Thanks! I’ll let you know when we’re leaving the house next time and you can pick out an appropriate outfit my baby!

*He’s going to fall out of that carrier. (Wearing an Ergo Baby carrier)
    I know he's advanced for his age in some areas but unless he suddenly gains some awesome fine motor skills and learns how to unhook buckles, he’s fine.

*Isn’t he a little young to be having a sippy cup?
    Go talk to the lady that thinks he’s too big for his car seat. When you two come to a decision on what’s appropriate for my kid, please get back to me.

*You’re going to need help getting out to the car.
    No, really, I’m not. I’m not injured in some way that prevents me from putting the car seat into the car and putting the bags in. Would help be nice sometimes? Sure, but I’m not in NEED of help. If you'd like to help me with something, come to my house and help me put the groceries away before my milk spoils...that's an area I actually need help with.

*You really shouldn’t let him sleep in the car seat.
    Okay! I’ll just keep poking him and waking him up so he can scream really loud. That way we can all enjoy our shopping experience a little more.

I hate that shit so much. I get that people just want to help but really, we’re in a grocery store. I’m not standing outside of Babies R Us begging people to please explain to me how his car seat works. I'd like to think I don't look THAT clueless when I'm out with my son. Surely I look a little worn out but I don't think I' give off a "stupid and confused" vibe just yet. I’ve never once offered advice to another mom in a random public place. I only wish people would exchange the favor. Maybe I need to start offering fashion/make-up advice to random people in exchange for their child care advice.

(Not So) Subtle Ways You Can Tell We Have A Baby

When looking around my house today it became very clear to me, that even if you didn’t know us, you've never seen us, you've never spoken with us...you would know we have a baby. I’m not talking about all of the baby crap laying around here, god knows our house looks like Babies R Us threw up all over the place. Obviously, the high chair is a dead give away as soon as you walk in our kitchen, but that’s not quite what I’m talking about. I’m talking about the more subtle things that are just a constant reminder that life with an infant has changed many things for all of us in the house.

1. There’s milk in our beer glasses. Prior to baby we used to use the beer glass for beer, now I can’t remember the last time we had a beer from our fancy beer glasses. Last night we did enjoy some nice cold milk though!

2. The half empty cups of coffee. I never get to finish a whole cup of coffee, so by mid-morning, there’s usually at least one half drunk cup of coffee sitting on the counter.

3. The untouched magazines. My husband and myself both used to read magazines, now we’re lucky if they even get glanced at before being recycled in six months.

4. The piles upon piles of laundry. How the hell is it possible that one little person has the capability to create such massive amounts of laundry? I'll tell you how: spit up, vomit and blowing raspberries while eating purees.

5. The unused condoms. Let’s face it, no one’s getting any lately. We’re both too damn tired.

6. The calendar that’s still on October when it’s clearly February. Who the hell gives a shit what day it is anymore? When you’re a stay at home mom all the days and weeks just melt together. Is it Monday? I don’t know. Does it matter? Nope.

7. The disgruntled dog. She used to be a happy go lucky dog, but now like the rest of us, the lack of sleep has gotten to her.

All in all, having a baby is the best damn thing ever. But anyone who tells you bull shit like, “Having a baby only changes your life as much as you let it,” is a liar. Things change, even things you wouldn’t think about change on a monumental level. So, even if you took all the baby crap out of my house you would be able to tell that we either have a baby, I’m a really crappy housewife, or a combination of the two is going on here.

Thoughts on Moving

Just some random thoughts for the day…

Moving sucks.

Packing sucks.

Moving with an infant sucks even more.

Packing with an infant insanely sucks.

I’m so ready to move and be done. I keep having this vision in my head of us moved into our house. Our furniture is somehow newer looking and fits perfectly in every room it’s supposed to. The walls have all been painted a perfect color. It’s evening, our son is fast asleep in his room and my husband and I are on our new patio enjoying an after dinner drink and holding hands.

The reality will most likely be that three months after we move in the painting still won’t be done. We’ll realize that our couch doesn’t fit anywhere in the house and is now awkwardly placed in the center of the living room. Our other furniture will be placed in areas that it should go, but won’t quite work there. Our son will inevitably be terrified of his new room and refuse to sleep in his crib without myself or my husband standing within a foot of him. We won’t get that after dinner drink together until next winter when it’s too damn cold to sit outside.

For now, I’m just holding on to what I’m hoping for and forgetting that reality isn’t here yet, so I have time to bask in my little fantasy world about what our move will be like once we’re all settled.

Until then, our house is a mess. There are boxes and tubs everywhere the eye can see. I haven’t been able to find anything I’m looking for yet I have multiple random objects that I can’t seem to find a good place for. I’m accepting that this is just how the moving process works. I’ve done this before, but never with an infant…and I prefer to not do this again in the near future. I’ve come to the conclusion that the next time we move our children will be old enough and big enough to not only pack boxes but actually help move heavy furniture as well.

Here's to hoping!

"That" Family Member

I have a certain family member who is not my biggest fan. She’s never been outright rude to me, but she’s made enough comments to let me know that she thinks I’m pretty much a joke. I found out I’ll be having to interact with her again in the future and it made me remember all the little snide remarks she’s made to me since finding out I was pregnant.

My thought is that everyone has someone like this in their lives and can relate to the negative vibe that people give you when you tell them something you’re just so excited about and they shoot you down.

I said: I’m planning on a natural labor. It’s something I really want to at least try.
She said: (eye roll) Good luck with that. You’ll be begging for the drugs before you’re even ½ way done.
End result: 24 hours of natural labor, ending in a c-section. Do I regret it? In some way, yes, but over all, not at all.

I said: My son will be exclusively breastfed for the first six months.
She said: (eye roll) Yeah, we’ll see. It’s NOT that easy.
End result: She was right. It wasn’t easy. But I’m one determined bitch and I’ll be damned, that kid has never eaten an ounce of formula in his life.

I said: I don’t want to buy store baby food. I’m more comfortable with making my own.
She said: (eye roll) Who has time for that? Besides, baby won’t eat that kind of homemade food. Just buy some Gerber food.
End result: My son hates Gerber. He DOES get store bought food once in a while when we’re out in public. But even then, it’s the super organic, natural crap. The other 95% of the time he’s eating mama’s homemade food.

I said: He’ll be sleeping in our room for the first 6+ months. I’m not comfortable with him sleeping so far away.
She said: (eye roll) That’s crazy, you’ll never get any sleep.
End result: True, I never get any sleep. But, at least I feel better knowing my kid is okay at all times. And he’s over 7 months old and still sleeps in the crib by our bed. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I said: I need to do some reading on teething and breastfeeding.
She said: There’s nothing to read. They teethe. That’s all there is to it.
End result: True, but I’ve still found my reading to be somewhat helpful and offer some good advice.

I said: I’ll be staying home with our baby until he’s older or my husband finds a job that will work with my hours.
She said: Just use a daycare! There’s nothing wrong with that!
End result: There is nothing wrong with daycare. I agree. It just doesn’t make any sense for us financially. I’d be working 40 hours a week to make around 100 dollars. No thanks!

I know she means well, but it gets a little old when there’s never anything positive coming out of her mouth. She never had kids of her own so I’m guessing a lot of this crap is just stuff she’s heard or seen from other people’s children. I still tolerate her but I’ll be avoiding a few topics next time we get together.

The Little Things to Celebrate

I feel like as a stay at home mom, I need someone to give me a high five or a pat on the back from time to time. I need that little push that reminds me that I’m doing a good job no matter how crappy I feel or how crappy the house looks. Thankfully, my husband is awesome at reminding me of how great things are. I feel like I need to help celebrate with the other (stay at home) moms out there for the little things that make a huge difference in our families’ lives.

First and foremost: At the end of the day, the children are alive AND you know where they are. I don’t think we moms give ourselves enough credit for this. I think if men were in charge of the kids on a regular basis it would be totally commonplace to lose a child or two during the course of the day. There would be lost and found children departments in every major store and park in the country.

You and the kids got bathed/showered today. That’s a major accomplishment. One that deserves to be rewarded with wine or chocolate, or both. I don’t think men realize how much they appreciate this until they come home to find their wife and children all smelling like a gym locker room...then they're quite grateful on the days that you've all been bathed.

Dinner is made! Who cares if it’s just mac and cheese? It’s made, it’s on the table and you get extra bonus points if it’s still hot when you sit down to eat it.

You went to the grocery store…with the children. Big high fives all around to you, mama! That’s an exceptional task that requires more patience than we will ever, ever get credit for.

The house got vacuumed. Whoop whoop! That calls for a party! Especially when you have a teething child that was up all damn night the night before. That’s valuable time you could have used to sleep or shower but instead you chose to clean the house. That deserves a date night...or wine.

No one, including yourself, is crying when your husband walks in the door after work. This is one that I have a hard time with and I give myself a pat on the back whenever it happens. Hell, I only have one kid and I still find that challenging from time to time. Extra kudos to moms with more than one child who manage this task!

I’m not saying I want a cookie or a glass of wine every day for these things, but I feel like some days these types of things deserve some recognition. The days when your child is screaming endlessly because he’s teething or sick and you still manage to keep the house clean(ish) and cook (or go get) dinner; I think you need a high five!

Here’s to all of us moms that do it all while still keeping our shit together! Cheers!

Could we not?

There’s a whole list of things I’d rather not deal with now that I have baby. These are things I wasn’t exactly fond of before he was born but since having him I’m even less inclined to do these things. I hope I don't sound like a total bitch, I just get so sick of people and their crap sometimes.

Could we not…exchange horror stories?
    I know your kid was awful as a baby too. I don’t need a fucking yardstick to compare who has/had it worse. Babies can be wonderful, but they can also be stressful, each in their own wonderful way. (I love doing this with people online, but people in real life just annoy me with this crap).

Could we not…talk about our kid’s poop?
    I don’t mind when other moms want to tell me vague facts, like their kid is constipated or has diarrhea, but I don’t need to know what color your kid’s poop is. I’ll refrain from telling you about the rainbow spouting from kid’s ass if you’ll do the same for me, thanks.

Could we not…talk about how our kid’s were conceived?
    Again, in my online communities, I enjoy this kind of conversation. In real life with people I see on a regular basis, I don’t need to know about how many times a week you were having sex before conceiving your child.

Could we not…compare ourselves?
    Just like no two kids are the same, neither are their moms. I’m sorry I can’t whip up a batch of cookies and a three course meal after working a 12 hour shift and still manage to get my kid to bed at eight and then have romantic sex with my husband. Shit, I don’t even work and I can’t manage that. Don’t make me feel like shit for not living up to your standards.

Could we not…have lavish birthday parties for children who are too young to appreciate them?
    I get it, you want to celebrate, but is a bounce house and a clown really necessary when your kid is a year old? I think not. I know I’ll be getting a few eye rolls at my kid’s first birthday because it’s going to be simple as all hell. I’ll save my money for when he might actually remember the party.

Could we not…keep score when it comes to Christmas gifts?
    The point of Christmas is supposed to be to be with family and have a good time, not see who can spend more on the other. I get that we only have one kid but I still don’t have loads of cash laying around to blow on random gifts that people don’t need. I have no idea if anyone really cares but I feel like there’s an unspoken score card being kept. What did I give for Christmas this year? Wine and pictures of my kid. Sorry, I have no idea what you like or want, so I’m sticking with wine.

Could we not…act like best friends?
    It feels like I’m supposed to know everyone in my husband’s family on a personal level. A few of them, I actually feel like I do know on a good personal level and enjoy the relationship we have. The vast majority, I have no fucking clue what their hobbies, likes, or dislikes are. I know them on the most superficial level. Yet, it seems like when we get together, we all put on this front that we know each other so well. Yeah, I have no clue what your favorite color is or what your middle name is.

 Just a few of my little pet peeves that have come to the surface lately. I hate feeling like everything in motherhood is always a competition. It's not, let's not make it one. 

What They Don't Tell You About C-Sections

I am one of those moms who has to hang her head low and say, “Yes, he was born via c-section.” It’s true, after nearly 24 hours of natural labor my son was born via c-section. While I obviously wasn’t planning for this to be the outcome, there were also a few other things I wasn’t planning on with the c-section. There were just a few key things that all of the doctors, nurses and fellow moms somehow managed to leave out.

You are expected to walk around…the next day.
    Seriously. I’ll give you a moment to that let absorb. Yeah, I couldn’t believe it either. The day before you spend hours in agonizing labor, get whisked off for an emergency c-section, then you have layers of skin, fat and organs cut open, THEN a doctor pulls a 6-10 pound bundle of joy from a gigantic hole in your stomach. Then the previously mentioned hole is sowed/stapled shut. And the next day you are expected to get out of your bed. If men had this procedure done I can assure you they would be in a medically induced coma for weeks following the procedure.
     However, if you’re lucky enough to be a woman you get just the opposite treatment. The day…approximately 18 hours later a nurse walks into the room and tells me we’re going for a walk. I laughed. Seriously, I laughed. I couldn’t believe that this nurse was serious. But, she was very serious indeed. She had me get up and walk around the room. Granted, she didn’t have me doing a marathon, but after a surgery like that, they might as well have broken out the hurdles and the balance beams because that’s what it felt like.

The pain gets worse.
    The first few days really suck, I’m not going to lie. Looking back, I considered those the honeymoon days of the pain. You still have the mondo dose of painkillers from the epidural running through your system for the first few days and none of your nerve endings have come back yet, so even though it’s bad, it’s a much more dulled version of what’s to come. Then after you’ve been home for a day or two you start getting feeling back…with a vengeance. You begin to understand why people bitch when they have surgery.
     I will never forget that moment when things started to hurt like hell. I was laying in the recliner with my son and went to stand up and I literally fell back down in the chair. I thought the worst was behind me by that point, before that I remember thinking, “Yeah, this sucks, but it’s not so bad.” Boy, was I wrong, like ridiculously wrong. When the pain comes back it hits you like…like you had a baby pried from the walls of your uterus and your stomach was sliced to bits a few days ago. I was trying to think of a catchy little comparison, but really, there is no comparison that could give justice to that experience. Oh, and you don’t even get the “good” drugs for pain, and if you do it’s not for more than a few days. More than likely you’ll be sent home with a prescription for some Ibuprofen…does that sound familiar? It should, because Ibuprofen is basically just Advil. Yep, you get some Advil to cope with that pain.

You still have to take care of the baby.
    Yeah, even after all that happens to your body and you’re left lying there like an abused, deflated balloon they still expect you to care for your baby. You’re beyond tired, beyond sick (did I not mention the uncontrollable puking for the next 24 hours?) and just beyond done…and then they give you this baby and say, “Feed it!” I remember being so thrilled to see him but also wishing I could take a nap. But no, after the lovely experience of having a c-section you then have to learn to breastfeed. I seriously thought that since my body had been through such an ordeal I would get some time, at least a few extra hours, before this all got started, but nope, not even close. As soon as we were back in the room there I was whipping my boob out and trying maneuver a nipple into my son’s mouth. I couldn’t even pee without a catheter or feel my legs yet but I was expected to provide 24/7 care for my baby.

People will assume you took the easy way out.
    After your long recovery and feeling like total shit for weeks to come you start to hear the lovely remarks from people. They start off really subtle and then eventually become blatantly obvious. A lot of people will insinuate that you got the easy end of the deal, others will just tell you straight out that you are a wimp for having a c-section. I labored for nearly 24 hours before having a c-section and people still assume that I had a c-section by choice. Many people have let me know that I probably just didn’t try hard enough.
     You will get this too. This might not happen right away but eventually you’re going to have that mom who got to deliver her baby the normal way. And she’s going to ever so subtly jam that proverbial fork into your side with a simple statement of, “Oh, you’re lucky, you just had a c-section, I had my baby vaginally.” You’re going to have to muster all of your strength to not yank her hair out and make her eat it. It’s the ultimate burn to the mother who tried so hard to have a normal birth and ends up with a c-section to hear the words, “You’re so lucky,” from a vaginal delivery mom. And you will learn to smile and nod because no matter how much you tell them how bad recovery sucks, they still assume you took the easy way out.

Sex still hurts for awhile.
    Like I’ve said before I had labor and pushing…my kid was basically almost out, he just refused to come out the last little bit. We knew what color his hair was before he was born, I’ll put it that way. For whatever reason, I just assumed that since he didn’t actually come out of my vagina that sex wouldn’t hurt afterwards. WRONG! It still hurts like hell. And not only does your vagina hurt during sex but you also have a brand new wound to worry about during sex as well. The first time we tried to have sex was worst than my actual first sexual encounter. It was painful, awkward, painful, gross, painful, unenjoyable and did I mention painful? Yeah, I don’t think of either of us enjoyed that experience. I was pretty sure my son would be an only child because the thought of repeating that ever again was laughable.
     Eventually it got better, but it took awhile. I even went back to my doctor to make sure my kidneys hadn’t somehow found their way into my vagina during the c-section…I was convinced there was something in my vagina that wasn’t supposed to be there, that’s how bad it hurt. But, it DOES get better, just don’t go expecting some sexy Lifetime Movie moments the first few months post-baby.


I’ve since come to learn that regardless of how my son born, I did the best I could. For months afterwards I felt guilty for not being able to give him a normal birth and hold him seconds after his birth. I still feel bad that he was held by 10 other people before I even got to see him, but I’ve come to terms with this and I’m okay with it now…kind of. And no matter how shitty of an experience that c-section was, I’m still up for round two when the time comes. There’s nothing that could ever stop me from wanting to hold another little baby in my arms in for the first time, or see that proud smile on my husband’s face.

New Dad Superpowers

My husband is amazing, I really couldn’t have asked for a better husband. However, I am loving this new set of “superpowers” he has developed since our son was born.
1. He can sleep through anything. He will be able to sleep through your child crying, screaming, vomiting, and coughing. You’ll begin to wonder if he would sleep through being “accidentally” kicked…and you’ll find that most of the time he can.

2. He can miraculously disappear the second the baby starts crying or even remotely smells dirty. You’ll have no idea how but suddenly he’ll be very engrossed in a very important project to avoid changing that diaper. “Sorry dear, I can’t change that diaper, I’m in the middle of disassembling this bomb.”

3. He forgets where you put everything. Everything. He will never be able to find that stack of diapers. You must have moved it. So therefore, he can’t change the baby.

4. He suddenly becomes employee of the month. He needs to work extra hours, even if there’s no extra pay. Anything to get home just a little while later.

5. He has a knack for “needing” to do things on the weekends. Miraculously his car NEEDS an oil change on Saturday…the same day you were planning to take the kids to the zoo.

6. This goes with number three. He will be completely oblivious to something right in front of him when you ask him to hand it to you.

7. Although he can’t hear the baby cry, he can hear you come home before your tires even hit the driveway. And he’s ready at the door for you with baby in arms.

8. He will forget how to cook. And how to use the coffee maker.

9. He can sense when baby is about to spit up and will quickly hand him off to you.

10. He knows when the baby needs to eat. Any time he’s in charge and the baby cries, he will assume that the baby needs to eat. Since you’re breastfeeding, this becomes your problem.

I was blessed with a really great husband. While, yes, he is guilty of a few of these, he is overall really great about helping me with the baby. Honestly, I can’t blame him for the most part. But he’s a total trooper and always comes home on time with a smile on his face happy to see me and my son no matter how much the baby is crying or how long it’s been since I’ve showered.

My Love/Hate Relationship with Amazon

Back before I had a baby I used to love browsing the stores. I would spend hours at the mall or Target. Occasionally I would splurge and by myself or my husband something nice or fancy. It wouldn’t be anything major, just a nice pair of jeans or a new bottle of nail polish. The best part though was just being about to leisurely walk around the store and contemplate what I should buy.

Now, since having a baby, I’m like a mad woman when I shop. I simply grab things that I need (or think I might need) as I see them and throw them in the cart before my son has a blow out diaper or melt down in aisle seven. I miss the days of walking around Target with a Caramel Machiato in one hand, pushing the cart with the other and just looking around the house wares department in search of a new shower curtain or throw rug. There was truly something therapeutic about this kind of experience.

Since having baby my retail therapy needs to come from elsewhere. I can no longer spend hours at Target search of a shower curtain, and let’s face, I don’t shower nearly as often so why do I give a shit if the shower curtain is getting gross? So, I needed to find some other way to enhance my life with retail therapy.
Then I suddenly remembered my best, best friend; Amazon. I can sit up on the computer at three in the morning and browse through all sorts of things. I look for new baby bottles, read the three hundred reviews, pick out a new razor for my husband and even get myself some new nail polish, all while sitting on my unshowered ass in my pajamas in my living at three in the morning.
99 percent of the time my purchases contain at least one of the following items: breast milk storage bags, pacifiers (because ours are forever being eaten by our house), new nipples for our bottles, some sort of baby toy, or some random thing my husband needs. Very rarely do I actually splurge and get myself something lately, which is totally fine, I actually don’t mind this as much as I thought I would.

However, I’m coming to find this quite addictive. All it really takes is a few clicks and BAM, in less than a week I have all sorts of new things being delivered to my front door. There’s almost a high that comes along with ripping into that box from Amazon. I don’t give a shit if it’s just new pacifiers, the main word here is “NEW.” I like new things! There’s shiny and pretty!

I need to start containing my obsession though because my purchases all end up on my credit card. A few purchases of 26.50 a month doesn’t sound like a whole lot at the time but when I up with an 80 dollar credit card bill, I find myself a little pissed off about my new addiction. On the plus side, my credit score has gone way up since having the baby because I put more things on my credit card than ever before!

So, here’s to hoping I can find some other less expensive way to get my high from new shiny things. We’re currently in the process of moving so less and less needs to be getting delivered to my house. But hey, there’s still no harm in browsing the “aisles” of Amazon, right?

The Crappy Advice People Give You

I get so sick and tired of people offering me advice when I don't ask for it.
If I come to you broken down and crying then by all means, offer me advice. Otherwise, I really don’t give a crap what your aunt’s friend’s daughter’s sister-in-law did about her baby’s diaper rash.
And contrary to popular belief…all babies are different! This concept is totally mind blowing to some people. They automatically assume that because this worked for their friend’s aunt’s baby then it just HAS to work for yours. When you tell them you’ve already tried that and it didn’t work, that assume you’re lying. And don't even get me started on the people that tell you must have done something wrong if their technique didn't work.

So here’s some of the gems I’ve heard lately…
1. “Just let him cry, he’ll learn to self soothe!” Except he doesn’t self soothe, instead vomits and then continues crying more. And we share a room, so that one is off the table. This one is my BIGGEST pet peeve because people act like gods when it comes to this method. It annoys me so much, I actually wrote a whole entry dedicated to it. That's how often I hear this one.

2. “If you put a hat on him at night he’ll sleep better.” Or he’ll just over heat and cry. My kid is always hot, the last thing he needs an extra layer on his head.

3. “Take him for a ride around the block when he’s giving you a hard time.” I’ve done this and yes, it works. However, gas is currently right around 3.50 a gallon. I can’t afford to make that a habit for him. So, unless we invest in a Hybrid, my kid will not be soothed by long car rides.

4. “You should really start weaning him from breastfeeding.” Bite me, he’s 7 months old.

5. “Give him juice to help keep him regular.” This DOES work, but unfortunately the people who suggest it to me are not there when the diaper from hell erupts from this method.

6. “Don’t hold him too much, you’ll spoil him.” He’s my first born, he’s going to be spoiled for now. Once baby two comes along I can equally ignore both of them as needed to focus on the other.

7. “Put him to sleep on his stomach.” Are you still in 1980? Things have changed, have you heard of SIDS?

8. "He needs to be eating finger foods by now." Thanks, so when my child chokes on a green bean will you be there to help dislodge it? No? Then, go away and leave me to my purees.

Granted, I know each and every one of these pieces of advice was given with the best intentions but it’s just incredibly frustrating. There have been times I’ll go crying to someone looking for advice, and then I welcome their advice with open arms. It’s the people who just feel the need to constantly give me “new” ideas that just get under my skin. This is the exact reason why I seldom offer advice to anyone about anything. Ever.

I'm Back

I was getting really into this blogging thing when a really shitty family emergency came up.

Everything has more or less been dealt with and we're all trying to get back to "normal" now. For those of you that actually know me, you know what happened and I thank you for your kind words and help these last few weeks.

I've had my rough days, I've had my really bad days, but each day things change a little bit more. I thank "god" that I have my child here with me to help me through this. Without getting to see his smile every day and having my husband by my side I don't know how I'd be getting out of bed every day.

So, that's it! I'm back, and I'll be blogging again here on a regular basis.

Why I’ve Come To Hate The Cry It Out Method

Before I even start, I need to say this…If the cry it out method works for you and your family, that’s great! I do not mean to say that you are a bad parent or that you’re harming your child or anything like that. I’m a firm believer in doing what works best for your situation, and if cry it out is something your baby responds well to, then more power to you! This is just my experience and my take on it for MY family. I am not intending to judge anyone here at all because I don’t live with your babies.

Cry it out (CIO) is one of the oldest methods in the book. Everyone and their brother has used it, swears by it, or hates it. There are very few people who are in the middle; either you hate it or you love it. I’m one of those people that hates it. Mostly because it doesn’t work for my child and yet people still insist on telling me that I need to do with him. These are just a few of the reasons why I want to slap someone every time they say, “Just let him cry.” I've recently been using a method called, "Fuss it out." I find that this works a lot better than the full blown "Cry it out" method. Here's why I prefer FIO over CIO...

1. There is nothing “soothing” about this method. Everyone says it teaches self soothing and it’s good for them. There is NOTHING soothing about a baby screaming for hours on end in the middle of the night.

2. My kid vomits when he cries for more than five minutes. I refuse to make myself have to clean up vomit AND deal with a crying baby at two in the morning.

3. He sleeps three feet away from me. I cannot physically handle listening to him cry for more than a few minutes when he’s that close. I might as well just sit next to his crib and hand him a mega phone to cry into.

4. I know plenty of 18 month olds that still cry every night for hours on end. Obviously this method isn’t working for your child either.

5. I feel like ignoring him is not something I want to do when he’s so young. He has his whole life to learn that people suck, I don’t want to teach him that at 6 months old.

6. He gets more worked up. If I let him cry for a few minutes and then go to him, he’s fine and falls back asleep in a few minutes. When he goes more than a few minutes he gets super pissed and it can take an hour or more to calm him back down.

7. It’s learned helplessness. I just don’t like that, plain and simple.

8. I hate the term “sleep training.” He is my child, not my golden retriever.

9. It gets him all hot and bothered. Literally. He gets really hot when he cries for too long. So now, I have a hot, vomit covered, angry, worked up baby on my hands.

10. It makes me leak. If he cries for more than a few minutes and it’s that really distressed cry I leak all over myself. My boobs just can’t handle it.

When I say “cry” I don’t mean just whimpering and settling down kind of cry, I’m talking about the full-fledged freak out kind of crying.  If he’s just kind of whimpering, I have no problem leaving him there to settle himself down.. Hell, letting him whimper and fuss for a few minutes is the only way he will fall asleep on his own. It’s when it’s that major “I’m going to make your life a living hell if you don’t give me my damn pacifier” kind of crying kicks in that I can’t just leave him there. Maybe one day I’ll be able to cave and do it, but I doubt it.

Mommy Guilt

This is a whole new level of guilt that I was not familiar with prior to having a baby. I never really understood this concept of mom’s having a different guilt-o-meter than the average person, but with my six month old baby around, I’m now learning differently. Anything that you didn’t do 100 percent “correct” according to all the baby books will now cause some level of irreparable harm to your child. And it's all your fault.

Things to feel guilty about…

-You didn’t stop eating dairy food while breastfeeding. There’s some new research out there that babies can’t break down dairy products, so now you’re blaming yourself for his tummy troubles because that MUST be it.

-You didn’t breastfeed, period. Now your baby will be developmentally hindered for the rest of his sad life. He will never be able to function as an adult because you didn’t breastfeed him.

-You went to the bathroom…by yourself…twice. That’s valuable time you could have spent with your child instead of tending to your selfish needs.

-You didn’t buy him the fancy three hundred dollar developmental toy that every baby needs. Now when he’s nine years old and struggling with mathematics, you will assume it’s because he didn’t get the proper toys to help him with developing those skills.

-You were too tired to take him outside for a walk today...or yesterday, and tomorrow's not looking good either. Now he won’t be used to playing outside when he’s older. Good job! Oh and also, he didn’t get enough vitamin D because you didn’t take him out in the sun today.

-You sat your baby in front of the television for 15 minutes while you showered or cooked dinner. His doctor said television time before two years old can cause major stress and developmental problems. It’s all your fault because he watched 15 minutes of the 5 O’clock News while you tried to shower before your husband got home.

-You let him sleep in his car seat, AFTER you read that it’s dangerous for babies to sleep in their car seats. Feel free to use this an excuse to blame yourself for any mood issues that baby has later in the day.

-You let him sleep in the swing, bouncer, boppy pillow, your bed…anywhere but his crib. Now he’ll never learn to sleep in his crib…EVER!

-You let him cry for 45 seconds while you were finishing up dinner. Now your mother-baby bond is ruined, forever.

-You bought store brand diapers…he didn’t get a rash from them and you saved 46 dollars, but you still feel guilty because he deserves the diapers with diamonds on his ass and gold flakes in the powder. Instead, you got the Target brand, they don’t even have a wetness indicator, let alone gold flakes of powder.Oh, the shame!

-You didn’t read to him last night because he was a terror and you were tired.

-You didn’t buy him a new puppy yet. Now when he’s 12 and putting his hamster in the microwave you will know it is your fault because he should have had a puppy before the age of one.

Eventually I’m hoping that these feelings of guilt over the stupidest crap go away, but really, I’m thinking it’s only going to get worse as time goes on. The way my mind works now is just completely different. In the past I hadn’t thought about things even a week ahead of time…now I’m sitting here assuming that my son is going to end up on America’s Most Wanted because I let him watch 20 minutes of television before the age of two. Thanks Mommy Guilt!

Why We Need To Move

My husband and I have recently decided to start the lovely process of house hunting. Before we got married and before our son was in the picture, our 900 square foot rental home was ideal. It has two bathrooms, two bedrooms and a huge detached two-car garage. Perfect! We had the one bedroom as our master bedroom and then the other was downstairs and worked perfectly as a little office/craft area for myself. Certain people in our family seem to think that we should just stay here. They fail to see anything wrong with our current dwelling and think it’s a great place for the price. Let me tell you all the reasons why they are WRONG.

Remember that second bedroom that used to be my office area? Well that bedroom has become the place to store everything for the baby. We keep his clothes, his diapers, his toys, his pacifiers, his butt creams, his first aid kid…everything except for him. He stays upstairs in the master bedroom…two feet from my side of the bed. Why can’t he stay in this perfectly good room with all of his other possessions?

Well, there’s another issue with our house. It’s not in the best neighborhood. No, it’s not a terrible neighborhood, but in the past few months we’ve had issues with an empty house next door to us. In the past few months homeless people have been hanging around there, stealing various items from the abandoned dumpster. As much as I love feeling all culturally diverse, this is not what I had in mind when I thought of what my neighbors would be life. In addition to the homeless folk, we also came to find out that a wanted criminal was hiding out there. We found this out when 10 police cars showed up and began raiding the house. What a lovely thing to find out…the house that practically shares a driveway with us was housing a wanted criminal. With all of that being said, we’re not fond of leaving our one and only child unattended downstairs while we’re all snug and cozy one floor up.

We get a lot of flack for these because everyone else in our family seems to think these are not good enough reasons for him to be in our room. Well, let me throw out a few other reasons for them. Our house was built in 1890, so the upstairs master suite was an addition. In adding this room on someone messed up the calculations for our staircase. This resulted in the steps being ridiculously narrow and getting more and more narrow the closer you get to the bottom. Our last step is barely wide enough to place your foot on when going up or down.

Let’s picture this scenario…our son wakes up at three in the morning. I’m in a total daze because it’s three in the morning. I go down the stairs and there’s most likely a 75 percent chance that my ungraceful fat ass will fall because I can barely navigate those stairs when it’s three in the afternoon and I’m fairly alert. Then let’s say we decide to bring him upstairs, do you really want me taking the chance of falling while carrying our ginormous six month old up our 200 year old stairs? So obviously, the bedroom set up is not ideal for that of a family with a small child.
My next issue is the garage. It worked perfectly before. Having a detached garage was something I never really thought much about before. Fast forward to winter with a six month old…I hate it. No, no, I loathe it. I find myself leaving my car out of the garage a lot these days because it’s just that much closer to the house that way. I’ve yet to figure out what the “proper” order is for bringing in the groceries and the baby. I’m not sure if I’m supposed to bring him in the house first and then leave him unattended while I go get the groceries from my car or if I’m supposed to leave him unattended in the cold car while I bring the groceries in the house. So, what’s my grand solution? I just bring in both the baby AND the groceries at the same time.

Yes, I do feel like Super Woman some days. While my garage isn’t extremely far from the house it might as well be a 5 mile up hill trek when I’m carrying the baby, the groceries, diaper bag and the keys. And did I mention that there are four stairs leading up to our door? That makes it all the more fun
.
My other issue is closet space. Evidently people in the 1890’s didn’t have that much stuff. Well, in 2013 with an infant, we have a ton of stuff. However, our house has the crappiest, smallest closets ever. There is ONE normal closet in our house, and that’s in the baby’s room. This closet is mine, for all my clothes, but it also serves as storage for just about anything else of mine that doesn’t quite have a home. Jewelry? Put in the closet. Baby bibs? Put em in the closet. Stuff that’s supposed to go to Good Will but will never make it there? Put it in the closet. Oh and did I mention that this closet does not have a door?

Our second closet is the “coat” closet. This closet got turned into a closet with a ton of shelves when baby came. Right now in this closet are the following items: Extra diapers, baby wipes, humidifier, Wii fit board, wine from our wedding, extra blankets, baby bath time items, fine china from our wedding, the extras for the Wii, some random baby clothes, my breast pumps, extra baby bottles…the list goes on and on. It’s a total mess. And did I mention that this closet also does not have a door? And this closet is in plain sight from our living room, so anyone that comes over and sits in our living room gets to see the cluster fuck of a mess that is our “coat” closet.

The third closet, is my husband’s closet. It holds approximately 30 shirts on hangers and that’s about it. It’s also only 3 feet tall, so when he wants something out of there he has to bend over to search for it. This is the only closet with doors. However, only one door actually closes. Having a 3 foot tall closet is less than ideal for my 6 foot husband.

So, the next time a relative asks me why we need to move so badly, I will simply answer with: “It’s just not enough space for us right now.” If I actually explained all of these things to them, they would come with a reason why I’m wrong for every single thing I’ve said. I can’t mentally handle that…if you really think we just need to organize better, than be my guest and get your ass over here and show me how. Personally, I don’t even know where the hell I would put this crap while I’m in the process of organizing it.

The Battle

This nighttime battle. All moms know about it. It begins about two hours before bedtime. You try and keep things calm, cool, relaxed. You want baby to mellow out in hopes that in just a few hours baby will be off to slumber land. I’ve noticed in the past few weeks that my attempts at this “calm” evening ritual ends up being a total joke. Here’s a list of what’s happened during my evening “calm” time in the past few weeks.

-Baby gets super excited and decides to scream happy screams over and over…did someone slip him an energy drink?

-Dad comes home and gets baby all revved up…oh yes, Dad’s energy drink.

-Family members decide to call your phone repeatedly…if you put it on vibrate they assume something bad has happened, so they continue to call until you answer or threaten to call the cops to come check on you.

-The dog goes into hyper alert mode and barks at every single leaf that goes blowing by the house. Where is this vigilance when The Jehovah’s Witnesses are going door to door and she’s licking herself on the couch?

-Relatives decide that now is a good time t.o drop by and get the baby all jacked up by egging on his laughing, screaming and playfulness

-Neighbors’ children run up and down the street screaming and playing…I’ll remember this when he’s older and vow to not do the same thing

-Dad watches a football (or any other sport) game that requires him to yell, hoot and cheer anytime something good or bad happens. Nothing calms a baby down like random over the top screaming at the television

And then the end result is that baby takes an extra hour and a half falling asleep because we failed at the “wind down” part of our routine. So, instead of getting two hours worth of alone with my husband at the end of the night, we typically end up with somewhere around 15-30 minutes before we’re both dead tired and need to go pass out before baby awakens in just an hour or two.

New Mom Super Powers

When you have a baby there’s all these new things to contend with. New sleep schedule, new post-pregnancy body, new baby (duh), new perspective on the world. All of these things I was pretty much expecting. However, there were just a few new “abilities” that I gained as a new mom that wasn’t exactly planning on. Here’s just a few…

1. You can hold your pee (and other bodily functions) for a really long time. It’s amazing how everyone else’s needs begin to override even your most basic bodily functions. So, go for it, book that car trip from California to Jersey, because you’ll only need to pee maybe three times the whole way there…and back. However, you will now leak pee when you sneeze or laugh too hard.

2. You can go a ridiculously long time without eating anything. I don’t condone this or recommend this but even my fat ass has realized that I can go a whole day without eating from time to time because I’m just too damn busy to sit down and eat. And before you go thinking that this will help you lose weight, it doesn’t. You make up for it by inhaling a whole bag of cookies when you have 6 minutes to yourself.

3. You can function with very few hours of sleep. I had no idea that 2-4 hours of sleep was enough to function like a semi-normal person most days. However, you find yourself being able to do even the most complex tasks after sleeping less than four hours the night before.

4. You can put together a random dinner with less than 15 minutes worth of planning. You’ll look at the clock and realize your husband will be home in a half hour…all that’s in the house is bread, rice and coffee creamer. I’ll be damned, but you’ll make something out of it. And your husband is so scared of saying the wrong thing these days, he won’t complain at all…he knows better now.

5. You will be able to hear anything. I mean anything. You’ll be able to hear your kid sigh from his upstairs bedroom when you’re in the basement…with headphones on. And the same goes for when he’s sleeping…you will hear your neighbor (two houses away) drop a fork in their kitchen and you will have to refrain from calling the police to complain about the noise disturbance going on because you JUST got your baby to sleep.

6. You learn that you have ninja skills. You can move throughout your house without making a single noise. You can pack lunches in total silence, empty the dishwasher without ever making single “clank” noise, all in the vain attempt to not disturb your ticking time bomb.

7. You can carry anything. Car seat, baby, diaper bag, two gallons of milk, two bags of canned goods, some dog food, other groceries and a cup of coffee are no challenge for you now. Hell, you even stop and grab the mail while you’re carrying that load.

There’s many, many more that I can think of. This is surely a part one. I’m also finding that these skill sets are changing with my baby. I’m learning all sorts of new skills and super powers as the days go on to match my baby’s super needs. I’ve also learned that my husband is gaining a whole new set of dad “skills” that I didn’t even know existed.

Lies People Will Tell You About Their Babies

I’ve come to the conclusion that people just flat out lie when it comes to their babies. I really think that they just make shit up as they go along, or worse they plan it out before they lie about it. Some of these moms just tell you stories that more elaborate and fake than The Twilight Series. In the beginning I would question their lies, but now I’ve learned to just go along with it. I think we all know their lies are total bull shit but it helps them sleep better thinking someone believes them. And who knows, maybe they're just practicing their fiction story-telling skills.

“Labor wasn’t that bad! Really!” Yes, it was. You’re either in denial, lying, or had better drugs than I did. No matter how you look at it, it SUCKED.

“My life really hasn’t changed that much. I was so surprised.” Bull shit. Tell me that your life hasn’t changed but yet I notice that you haven’t brushed your teeth or hair yet today and it’s 6 pm…so either, this is normal behavior (in which case, carry on your stank self) or you’re lying.

“She slept through the night at 3 weeks old!” I don’t know who you think you’re selling that horse shit to, but I ain’t buying it today!

“He’s never spit up on me. He just doesn’t do that very often.” Uh-huh. Sure. So that smell I’m smelling…is that the new “Baby Puke” perfume that Dior just put out?

“He takes three naps a day! In his crib! Without crying! Ever!” This one goes right up there with sleeping 12 hours. I think you are either lying, or you just put your kid in the crib, close the door and walk away and refuse to acknowledge their cries.

“I shower every single day!” Then why do you smell like me?

“His poop doesn’t really smell!” Okay, some babies have smellier poop than others, but really, it all smells. And no, it does not smell like freshly baked cinnamon buns.

“We’ve had a strict schedule since day one.” No, you haven’t. You’d like think you did, but in all reality, you’re just like the rest of sad slobs running around like a dip shit trying to prevent the house from burning down while you’re cooking dinner AND changing diapers.

At first these things used to make me feel bad when I would hear them. I felt like I wasn’t up to snuff with other moms because everything they were telling me was the exact opposite of what I was going through. Then, ever so slowly, I started picking up on holes in their stories, or I would hear contradicting tales from other family members. That’s when I figured it out…they’re all lying. So in turn, I’ve started lying to them about my kid too. “Yep! He sleep 10 hours a night, only eats three times a day, his poop smells like raspberry soufflé and I still have time to scrap book for 2 hours a day!” Sure. Okay.

The Sad Dog

My poor dog. I feel so bad for her these days. For almost 5 years she was the baby until our son came along. She was the top priority every morning. We couldn’t start our day until she had gone outside and gotten breakfast. She went on just about every car ride with us, slept in our bed and enjoyed many walks.

Now that’s all over for her. She’s by no means neglected, neglected dogs are not overweight and self-entitled. She’s just merely moved down a rung on the ladder. She’s lucky if she gets her breakfast before noon, or goes on a car ride once a week these days. Hell, I’m lucky if I get MY breakfast before noon or get to go on a car ride once a week, so don’t feel too bad for her.

Unfortunately I can see things progressively getting worse for her. Our son has recently learned to grab at things. He grabs at anything within arms reach; toys, hair, noses, mirrors, literally anything. He also has a love for watching our dog…anything she does he loves to watch her and laugh at her. Couple those two skills together and I’m afraid it’s only a matter of time before our dog becomes the target of his grabbing.

Today while both of them were sitting on my lap my son reached over and started rubbing his hands all over the dog’s back. She merely sat there in total fear. I watched her face go from concerned, to worried to complete downright fear in about 10 seconds. She acted as if his hands were searing hot pokers. The look on her face was one you’d expect to see on a cat’s face in a Chinese restaurant. Eventually she just got off my lap and ran to her bed for cover.

I feel awful saying this, but somehow we’re going to have to break it to her, that this will only get worse. Eventually he’s going to start moving, which means not only will he be able to grab at her, he will also be able to follow her and chase her around. And while I have no intention of letting him do anything to harm her, I’m certainly not going to discourage him from interacting with her.

She’s slowly learning that he is not going anywhere but I’m not too sure how readily she will accept the fact that he will be able to touch her, her toys and heaven forbid, her food. I think she’s still holding out hope that one day he’ll go live with Grandma and Grandpa and that we’ll back to the three of us again. I’m guessing that just as she comes to accept his role in the family baby number 2 will come along and she will go through another state of shock as we all move down one more rung on the family ladder.

5 Things You Take For Granted Before Baby (Part 1)

Before I even write this, I have to say, being a mother has seriously been the most rewarding thing I have ever done. I love it, I love every messy diaper, every melt down, every spit up….and I’m being serious. Why? Because in exchange for every messy diaper or melt down is a smile, laugh, or coo that just melts my heart. This really is the best time I have had in my life. However, I find that I need to laugh at my stressful moments and take nothing too seriously.

All that being said, there are still some things that I didn’t realize how much I took them for granted before having my son. Really, just some small things that really make me scratch my head and wonder what the hell I used to do with all of my time.

1. Sleep
     This one is a given. No new mom sleeps. Unless you’re one of those rare few that gets a baby that just loves to sleep, otherwise you’re just like the rest of caffeine addicted moms with mismatched socks and a backwards shirt on. And the moms who say "My baby sleeps 18 hours a night and he's only 6 weeks old," they're lying...or they're just ignoring their kids. Don't let them make you feel bad.

2. Lunch Breaks
     You no idea how much you would come to miss that 30 minute window where all you were supposed to do was eat…there was no other obligation. It amazes me now how hard it is to sit down and actually eat a full meal...or maybe I should say a "full HOT meal."

3. Showers
     It’s not to say you won’t ever get to shower; it’s just that the duration and frequency of your showers will be greatly changed post baby. You find yourself not remembering the last time you showered and the one day your husband will *gently* suggest that you take a shower while he watches the baby. Then you'll realize it's been about four days or so.

4. Leaving The House
     Read my previous post about the grocery store. Leaving the house is never the same.

5. “Real” Clothes
     You won’t be able to pin point when this exactly, but as most stay at home moms will tell you, there is a point when getting dressed means changing into a CLEAN pair of sweat pants. You'll feel dressed up when you put on jeans instead of sweat pants and find yourself jealous that your husband has a reason to put on dress shoes in the morning.

I should make number 6, "writing a full blog post," because this originally started out as 10 things you take for granted but baby is demanding my attention right this moment. He seems to have been full recharged from this 17 minute nap. Part two...and three and four...will follow in the near future. 

The Grocery Store: Before and After Baby

During my last visit to the grocery store my five month old decided to vomit breast milk all over the front his shirt and mine. Normally, having vomit on myself would be cause to stop what I was doing and go home, however, I merely wiped us both off (more was on me than him) and kept on going because really, dinner wasn’t going to prepare itself that night. That’s when I realized how different a trip to the grocery store is before and after baby. Every mom knows and understands the battle that is grocery shopping.

Before you leave the house…
Before Baby: Check over your list. Gather coupons. Check the fridge to be sure there is nothing on the list you missed. Look in the mirror to ensure you don’t look too bad. Ready to roll.

After Baby: Make sure baby is changed and fed as soon as physically possible before leaving the house…if it was possible you would feed him as you’re walking to the car in order to postpone an “I’m Hungry” freak out in the store. Hope and pray that the diaper bag has at least the bare essentials. Run to the car and get the hell out of there while baby is calm in hopes of him falling asleep on the car ride there. Mirror? You didn’t look in it, but you think you showered a few days ago, so you can’t look too bad.


When you get to the store…
Before Baby: Pull your list out of your wallet, look it over one last time. Throw your purse over your shoulder and briskly walk into the store.

After Baby: Search frantically for your list, and then you remember, what list? You didn’t have time to make a list. See that baby is still awake in the backseat. Get baby out of the car seat and finagle him into his baby carrier while he’s pulling on your hair and kicking off his socks. Give baby a pacifier and cross your fingers that he won’t drop it until you’re at least in the store.


The actual shopping…
Before Baby: Leisurely stroll up and down the aisles, getting items you need and checking them off of your list one at a time. You compare prices versus quantity even pulling your phone out on occasion to see which product gives you more bang for your buck.

After Baby: Skip the aisles that you don’t think you need anything from…you’ll remember something that you needed right as the cashier tells you the total. Put pacifier back in baby’s mouth. Throw things in the cart that might be good for dinner. Put pacifier back in baby’s mouth.  If it says it’s on sale, it must be a good deal, get two or three. Put pacifier back in baby’s mouth.


The cashier…
Before Baby: Put your items on the belt according to where they go in the house. All of the cold items stay together, breads stay together, make sure you keep things organized. Have your wallet and payment method all ready to roll when the cashier tells you the total.

After Baby: Grab things frantically from the cart and throw them on the belt wherever they will fit because baby is on the verge of a melt down. When the cashier tells you the total you then remember that you need to pay for these things. You begin the search through the diaper bag, hoping and praying that your wallet made it in the bag while the cashier rolls her eyes because she’s due for a lunch break.


Getting everything into the house…
Before Baby: Grab two or three bags at a time, make multiple trips as needed.

After Baby: Throw diaper bag over one shoulder, get the car seat out and put that in one arm. With your other arm, grab as many bags as humanly possible…even if it breaks your arm, you are NOT making a second trip out here. THINK you have all of the bags and run up to the house as quickly as possible before your left arm falls off or loses all circulation.


Putting the groceries away…
Before Baby: Take your time, rearrange cabinets or the fridge if needed. Put the older items up front and new stuff in the back.

After Baby: Shove things wherever they will go because you have about 45 seconds until baby freaks out and NEEDS to eat right then and there. If there’s something cold in the bag, don’t even bother unpacking the bag, just put the whole bag in the fridge. Later the next day when you’re looking for your milk you’ll remember it’s still in the car…and it is August, so now your car smells like spoiled milk, and you have no milk for your husband’s cereal.







I’ve currently come to realize that I don’t need to make every single trip to the store stressful for myself but once baby starts freaking out, I have no other options. Five months after having baby I’ve finally figured out some good ways to manage the fun battle of grocery shopping that doesn’t leave me pulling my hair out, but it took awhile and lots of trial and error to get here. So when you’re 8 months pregnant and you see that lady who hasn’t showered in a few days and has a screaming baby in the milk aisle, don’t roll your eyes because that WILL be you in a few weeks.