When Was...

I find myself asking myself questions that start with this phrase a lot:
"When was the last time....?"

…I showered?
Most likely sometime this week. I can usually gauge this based on how grimy my hair is, lovely.

…I ate?
This goes two ways. Some days I’m constantly hungry and munching throughout the whole day so I’ll ask myself this when I’m super hungry…again. Then there are the days I’m so busy that I don’t realize I forgot to eat. The two even out pretty good.

…I fed the dog?
This almost always works in her favor because if I can’t remember if I fed or not that day, she’ll get fed again. I think she averages about 5 extra meals a week thanks to my mushy brain.

…I vacuumed?
No idea. My husband is awesome and he will usually do this if he finds the floor to be too “crunchy” for his liking.

…We left the house as a family?
This one is tricky. It’s typically about once a week but sometimes my husband lucks out and avoids this one if his mom is willing to take the baby for a few hours.

…We watched our favorite TV show that’s currently in season?
We tend to just forget when it’s on and then end up watching them all 6 months after they’ve aired.

…Took out the garbage?
I tend to just smash it down a lot these days out of sheer laziness. Then there will be an odd odor coming from the kitchen…that’s typically when I have to take it out. Then I’ll swear to remember what day I took it out so I can remember to take it out in a few days again…yeah, right.

Uterus vs. My Brain

I never really believed in that whole biological clock thing until recently. I always thought it was a bull shit excuse women used to have more babies. Now I get it. It’s never been a secret to anyone that knows me; I want lots of kids. I would love to have like 12 kids, but  reasonably I’m okay with three. Now we come to the issue of when do we have these extra children?

In the past month or so my uterus has decided that NOW is the time. My uterus/biological clock are working against every fiber of common sense in my brain trying to convince me that now is a good time for another baby. Here’s a little sneak peek at the crap that goes on between my head, the logical one, and my uterus.

My head: I want to wait a few years for another baby.
My uterus: But then your eggs might be dried out or no good, NOW! Have a baby now!

My head: I just want to enjoy my one little boy right now.
My uterus: If you had two babies you could enjoy them both at the same time!

My head: I want to sleep at least 4 hours straight before getting pregnant again.
My uterus: Bull shit! You’ll get it all over with at once, in a few years you’ll never have to worry about that again because your kids will be older.

My head: We just can’t afford it right now.
My uterus: And you were so prepared for the last one?! Yeah right, you’ll never be able to afford them, just do it now!

My head: I’m too exhausted to be pregnant right now.
My uterus: You think you’ll be any less tired when your son is 2 and running around like a crack head for 20 hours a day?

My head: There’s just too many things going on right now to make that kind of decision.
My uterus: There’s always going to be something going on! Who cares?

My head: I don’t know if I can handle two kids in diapers at the same time.
My uterus: It will be more depressing to get one out of diapers and then have to go back to diapers again and start over.

My head: It would be nice to not be pregnant or breastfeeding for a little while. I could have my body back for once!
My uterus: Selfish! You have your whole life to ruin your body, you only have a few years to make babies.

My head: I love my little guy so much, I want more babies.
My uterus: Damn straight! Let’s get this party rolling!

Eventually my uterus will win this battle, I’m just not sure when. I’m hoping that it’s when my husband and I are both ready for another baby. I want there be excitement around this next baby, not fear and worry. Thankfully I have a husband who is very, very good about birth control and will hopefully prevent any slip ups, just in case my uterus takes over my head one day.

Reasons For Calling His Doctor

As a first time mom I've made quite a few phone calls to our pediatrician. Thankfully their nursing staff is wonderful and extremely helpful. They've helped me out with some pretty ridiculous phone calls and never once laughed at me. I recently had to call again and was having some flashbacks to previous calls.

He's crying too much.
Yeah, in the first few weeks I called them more than once about this. I didn't know if something was wrong with him. I was convinced that he had some sort of issue, why else would he be crying this much?

He's pooping too much...or not enough.
At first, I was very concerned about my son's pooping habits. If he pooped twice in one day and then not at all the next I was on the phone immediately. Google was not my friend with this issue either. At one point I was pretty sure he had a blockage because he hadn't pooped for two days.

He's not sleeping.
I'm shocked that they didn't laugh at me for this one. But yes, I seriously did call them when he wasn't sleeping enough.

He's sleeping too much.
Yes, even this worried me in the beginning. So, what did I do? Called the doctor's office!

His eye looks funny.
Again, Google was not my friend here. His eye was slightly crusty one morning early on. I was pretty convinced he either had pink eye or he was going blind. When I told the nurse my concern she simply told me to just wipe his eye and see how it was in a few days.

He ate some of his diaper rash cream.
I was horrified the first time he reached around to his butt and then put his hand in his mouth. I probably should have called poison control, not the doctor's office, but by that time I already had his doctor on speed dial.

He hit his head on the crib.
Every head bump, every knock on the arm, I was so worried. I wanted to make sure he wasn't going to have a concussion. So, I called...every. single. time. 

He has a rash.
Most people would put some cream on it and see how it looked in a few days. Not this mama, I was calling the doctor as soon as there was a red bump on his skin. Needless to say, I heard the words, "Just put some (insert random cream name here) on it and call us in a few days," more than a few times.

What I'm getting at here is that in the beginning everything was a huge deal. I was so unsure of myself and my parenting skills. Not that I feel like super mom now but I definitely feel more sure of myself. It's so hard when they first come home and you have no idea what's normal and what's cause for concern. My best advice is always call when you're unsure. I'd rather have made 100 pointless phone calls than not made one that really needed a doctor's attention and had something happen to him.

"Funny" Crap I've Heard About Babies

I've spent some time with some pretty clueless folks. Most of these lovely statements came from those who don't have children.

"He's almost 6 months old...he'll be talking soon. The crying phase is almost over, right?"
Not quite...the crying phase can last well into the teenage years from what I've seen so far.

"When we have a baby, it's never going to sleep anywhere but the crib."
Excuse me, while I die of laughter. I promise, I won't remind you of this statement when you're tip toeing around your living room because your baby (finally!) fell asleep in the bouncer after 3 hours of crying in the crib.

"I'm going to make sure my baby never has any unhealthy foods."
Then you have to be sure to never, ever leave the baby alone with a grandparent. I've learned that one the hard way.

"Your baby eats solids now, you don't need to breastfeed anymore, right?"
Uhm, no. Shockingly enough, the six pieces of banana he managed to get into mouth (and/or nose) during lunch does not replace the nutritional value of breast milk.

"Can't you just go out while the baby is sleeping? He can sleep in his car seat while you're out."
This only works for a few months. Then you just end up with an overly tired and pissed off baby screaming in their car seat at whatever store you just HAD to go to during nap time.

"I think I'll just sleep while my baby sleeps during the day to catch up on sleep."
HA! That's one of the oldest lies in the book. If you do that you'll never have clean clothes, dishes or food to eat. Occasionally you can get away with that but don't expect that on a daily basis if you'd like your home to remain habitable.

"I'm going to have a natural birth.That's what our bodies were meant for, how bad could it be?"
I did a natural labor...and natural pushing. I'm pretty sure I have all the right female parts, but somehow he was born via c-section. I hate to burst your little fantasy but not all births can go as planned....and it really IS that bad.

That's just a few little gems I've heard in the past few months. I keep hearing these hilarious tidbits from people who just simply don't get it. For now, I bite my tongue and nod.

The Tactics Your Infant Will Use To Evade Sleep

I've learned that my child is smarter than I give him credit for. He's learned how to not go to sleep some nights. These are a few of the tricks he has up his sleeve. I'm sure other moms can relate to these.

1. Scream. Endlessly.
 I’m not talking about a little fussing to get your attention, I’m talking about the kind of screaming that results in you not being able to function. The kind of screaming that if it continues for a long time, you’ll be concerned that your neighbors might call Child Protective Services on you.

2. Smile. Coo. Laugh.
Anything to keep your love and attention focused on him. You’ll find that he’ll do some of the cutest, cutest things when he’s trying to avoid sleeping. The only problem is that nothing is really cute at 3 in the morning.

3. Hurt himself.
I’m guessing my child isn’t the only one who will do this. He’ll literally start hurling his whole body at the sides of the crib. It sounds painful and I’m guessing by the screams that it’s not enjoyable for him.

4. Refuse the pacifier.
 My son is great at this. As soon as you put it in his mouth he’ll yank it out and start staring at it. Fine, so I’ll put him down in the crib. About 30-60 seconds later he’ll throw it somewhere and then be pissed because he can’t find it. Thanks buddy, I love hunting down a 3 inch piece of plastic in a dark room at three in the morning. It's like a scavenger hunt you never signed up for.

5. Have a fake fever.
My guy will get himself so overly worked up sometimes that I can’t tell if he has a fever or if he’s just angry from crying. So I’ll drag him downstairs and stick a thermometer in his butt to check it out. It’s never been a true fever, but I would feel like the worst mom ever if I just ignored it and it turned out to be a fever. Thanks, mommy guilt!

Can I get a, "Hell no!"?

I get asked some questions on a regular basis from some fairly stupid people in my life. I find myself answering with polite and respectful answers. In reality, I’d love to just answer with two simple words: Hell no!

Your dog is getting old, are going to get another one soon?
Hell no!
Just what I need, another fucking dog right now. Great, so I can potty train my new dog and baby at the same time. That sounds like fun, not. I'd rather not have to guess which one of them peed on the floor when I step in it.

Did you buy your son the new super expensive loud and fancy toy that every baby has to have in order to survive?
Hell no!
Uhm, we’re cheap. I’ll wait until one of his cousins outgrows it and then I’ll get the hand-me-down. Until then, you'll just have to report us to CPS because we're not taking out a home equity loan for a new toy our son might or might not like.

Have you guys thought about taking a family vacation?
Hell no!
I can’t decide which sounds like more fun: a baby on a plane or a baby in a hotel. Neither. Oh, and he's crawling now...so, a MOBILE baby on a plane; that just sounds like the best time ever. I'm sure there wouldn't be multiple people wishing death upon us.

What about taking a family road trip?
Hell no!
My son is 9 months old. A road trip with him would be like being stuck in a moving vehicle with a rabid raccoon for hours. No thanks!

Have you read (insert new mass hysteria novel here)?
Hell no!
I have no time to read. If I do get time to myself, I’m writing this blog. This blog does not require to remember plot lines, characters and other things needed for reading a book.

Do you think you’ll go back to school?
Hell no!
I have a bachelor’s degree and multiple associate’s degrees. I would love to get a master’s degree but really, by the time I’ll get to use it I’ll be closing in on 60. I can think about 40 other things I'd rather waste our money on...

Maybe you’ll go back to work later this year?
Hell no!
Unless my son somehow miraculously sleeps through the night soon, there’s no way I can handle working full time again. I would love to work the night shift but my husband can’t mentally handle getting up with the baby even once a night. I can only imagine the great things that my going back to work would do for our marriage. But hey, at least I'd have money for a good divorce attorney!



Thankfully, I'm pretty good with my poker face these days. I don't let on at all that I think these people are bat shit crazy for thinking some of these things. We'll see how long my poker face holds up...

To The Mommy Snobs

Dear Snobby Mommys,

You know who you are. You’re the ones that have 6 children, all in perfect health condition, never a case of head lice, never a cold or even an allergy amongst them. Your children all have perfect manners. You’ve never ran from Target with your child throwing a hissy fit. You’ve never had to leave a restaurant because your baby is having an epic meltdown because you won’t let him play with a steak knife. Your children have slept through the night since 4 weeks old. You work a full time job, bake cookies on the weekends, your house is spotless, you have sex 6.4 times a week and you’ve never once raised your voice to your child.

To all of you: Please, stop rolling your eyes at me and other less than perfect stay at home moms. Stop making us feel like crap every time you remind us that you have a REAL job. Please, don’t point out to us that we’re home all day with our children and how nice that must be for us. As much we all love our children, I think it’s safe to say that there are days that we would LOVE to have a scheduled lunch break or an adult to talk to from time to time.

Don’t act like we’re trying to offend you by breastfeeding. I realize that breastfeeding is harder when you’re working full time, but don’t act like we’re committing an offensive act towards you by exclusively breastfeeding our children. It can be done when you’re working as well. That was your choice, stop making us feel like we did something wrong by choosing boob over bottle. I am in no way better than you, stop trying to act like I think I am. I completely respect your decision to bottle feed, so don't roll your eyes at me when I say my child is exclusively breast fed. I wouldn't dream of rolling my eyes at you when you whip out the formula, so please, return the favor.

Please don’t tell us how you taught your child to do something and then get pissy when your husband reminds you that no, actually you didn’t teach him that…it was the daycare teacher. Next time just tell us the truth so we can avoid this awkward moment when your husband corrects you and makes you look bad.

Please stop asking when I’m going back to work full time. You know the answer. We’ve been through this. Stop asking us this just to throw it in our faces that you work full time and mommy full time as well. We admire your dedication and need for work, don’t make us feel like we’ve failed all women by staying home.

Can we all just keep in mind that motherhood is not meant to a competition? There’s no right or wrong way to do anything. There’s benefits to staying home with your children and there are benefits to daycare. There are great things about breastfeeding, but there are some awesome things about bottle feeding as well. A good mom isn’t measured by how many cookies you bake for the school bake sale or how many hours your baby sleeps at night. All that matters is that you love your kids no matter what and do your damn best to make sure they know it.

Signed,
A Much Less Than Perfect Stay At Home Mom