Could we not?

There’s a whole list of things I’d rather not deal with now that I have baby. These are things I wasn’t exactly fond of before he was born but since having him I’m even less inclined to do these things. I hope I don't sound like a total bitch, I just get so sick of people and their crap sometimes.

Could we not…exchange horror stories?
    I know your kid was awful as a baby too. I don’t need a fucking yardstick to compare who has/had it worse. Babies can be wonderful, but they can also be stressful, each in their own wonderful way. (I love doing this with people online, but people in real life just annoy me with this crap).

Could we not…talk about our kid’s poop?
    I don’t mind when other moms want to tell me vague facts, like their kid is constipated or has diarrhea, but I don’t need to know what color your kid’s poop is. I’ll refrain from telling you about the rainbow spouting from kid’s ass if you’ll do the same for me, thanks.

Could we not…talk about how our kid’s were conceived?
    Again, in my online communities, I enjoy this kind of conversation. In real life with people I see on a regular basis, I don’t need to know about how many times a week you were having sex before conceiving your child.

Could we not…compare ourselves?
    Just like no two kids are the same, neither are their moms. I’m sorry I can’t whip up a batch of cookies and a three course meal after working a 12 hour shift and still manage to get my kid to bed at eight and then have romantic sex with my husband. Shit, I don’t even work and I can’t manage that. Don’t make me feel like shit for not living up to your standards.

Could we not…have lavish birthday parties for children who are too young to appreciate them?
    I get it, you want to celebrate, but is a bounce house and a clown really necessary when your kid is a year old? I think not. I know I’ll be getting a few eye rolls at my kid’s first birthday because it’s going to be simple as all hell. I’ll save my money for when he might actually remember the party.

Could we not…keep score when it comes to Christmas gifts?
    The point of Christmas is supposed to be to be with family and have a good time, not see who can spend more on the other. I get that we only have one kid but I still don’t have loads of cash laying around to blow on random gifts that people don’t need. I have no idea if anyone really cares but I feel like there’s an unspoken score card being kept. What did I give for Christmas this year? Wine and pictures of my kid. Sorry, I have no idea what you like or want, so I’m sticking with wine.

Could we not…act like best friends?
    It feels like I’m supposed to know everyone in my husband’s family on a personal level. A few of them, I actually feel like I do know on a good personal level and enjoy the relationship we have. The vast majority, I have no fucking clue what their hobbies, likes, or dislikes are. I know them on the most superficial level. Yet, it seems like when we get together, we all put on this front that we know each other so well. Yeah, I have no clue what your favorite color is or what your middle name is.

 Just a few of my little pet peeves that have come to the surface lately. I hate feeling like everything in motherhood is always a competition. It's not, let's not make it one.